Archive for the ‘weed’ Category

Check it, yo –

California’s campaign to legalise marijuana received a major boost today with a $1m donation from billionaire financier and philanthropist George Soros.

The cash infusion, one week before Californians vote on a measure that would let anyone over 21 grow and possess up to an ounce of marijuana and allow local councils to tax sales of the drug, marks the first major investment by Soros in the mid-term elections.

Can you belive that shit, yo? Voting be for chumps, first of all. You won’t see tha J-UNIT lining up outside some polling booth to let some straight ass muthafucka in a suit be representing. Fuck that shit, yo.

But also – yo, Soros! Gimme a million dollars and I’ll legalize any fucking drug you want, man. For two million dollars, I’ll turn Kaes┼Ćng into a fucking crack house, man. Junkies be coming from all around tha world to tha magic mountains that be all up there and shit.

Fuck those Yankees, man. The D to tha P to tha R to tha muthafucking K be open for business, nigga. Come check us out.

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The J-UNIT gonna be taking a little study trip, yo.

Military Intelligence says I can’t say where – CHUMP KOREA & AUSFALIA!!! – and I sure as shit can’t say when – NEXT WEEK, Y’ALL!!! – but it’s gonna happen, yo.

Officially it’s like those trips around the country that my gramps, Kim Il-Sung used to take. The Korean Central News Agency be reporting on them all the time. They in story books and shit. They mostly about how he fought tha Japs and healed some leppers and made blind people see. With weed, I guess. Major Choe said weed be good for that. That before Choe got sent away.

Unofficially, though, the old man thinks it would be good for me to just get away from the stress and media attention and shit. It’s pretty intense. I can’t walk down the street without bitches being all throwing themselves at me and shit. Everyone wanting my autograph and advice on how to increase industrial or agricultural production by they reaffirming commitment to tha guiding principles of Juche and Songun and shit.

I’m pretty fucking excited, yo.

But I’s also pretty fucking pissed off as well.

Check it, I spent most of tha day on the Korean Air site trying to book my flights. Air Koryo banned me for life last year after I be glassing that chump ass faggit pilot who be telling the stewardesses to be 86ing me on tha small wines.

Not that I’d fly with those chumps ever again anyway. Check it – have you seen the fucking huge number of points a nigga be needing on the Air Koryo frequent flyer program for even an upgrade to business? It fucking crazy, yo. Fuck that shit man.

Problem is Korean Air weren’t accepting my DPRK Central Bank issued visa card and they refused my Banco Delta Asia AmEx. Same with Asiana, yo – they be to Korean Air what South Korea is to Real Korea, yo. It’s fucking crazyass, maaaan! Is my laundered money no good to you punks? We all know how poor Pussy Ass Korea is, yo. We all know it just a disease-infested American chump colony, yo. So why they be rejecting my money?

So my options basically be (1) cancel my holiday or (2) bite tha muthafucking bullet and get tha train to Dandong and take Ryan Air. So obviously I wanna cancel, rite?

Problem is tha old man say, no way I can just hanging around Pyongyang all winter. He say I either take the trip or I go do something “productive” with my time like take a course at Pyongyang Community College. Learn to speak Chinese or how to speed type or something.

So Ryan Air it is. Worse than Koryo, yo, but I can’t wait to get on tha road.

P.s. Look out Massimiliano Gioni – I wasn’t kidding when I said I was gonna fuck you up, you punk ass poseur.

P.p.s. So wanna fuck tha Korea Air error message cartoon bitch. So fucking hot, maaaaaan.

So fucking hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot

Those southern fagz in Chump Corea are up to it again. Trying to style all over us Real Choson niggaz, yo.

This time they be offering those Chilean miners a free holiday in that shit hole US leper colony of they’s.

Man, fuck that shit.

Yo, Chile Dawgs – Come par-tay with tha Fresh Prince of Pyongyang, y’all!!!

We got better weed and better hookers up in this Democratic Peoples Joint than those wannabes in the South could ever dream of, yo.

And we can even take you on a tour of our sweet ass mines, yo.

You be loving that shit, yo. Check it:

The March 5 Youth Mine, located at the northern tip of Korea, has undergone a radical change. … Ore mining, transport, crushing, flotation and all other processes have been put on the CNC basis with the miners just monitoring equipment, free from injurious labor. …The mine’s night view is also fantastic, with a mess hall, sanatorium and cultural centre decorated with electric lights blending in with brightly lit dwelling houses. When visiting the mine some time ago, General Secretary Kim Jong Il commanded a bird’s eye view of the mine and said it was a fairyland in the Songun era.

You hear that, homies? It a fairyland, yo. But that ain’t mean it ain’t all manly and shit. It just be all scientific and shit – that the CNC shit, yo. That be my thang right there, yo. That tha shit what tha J-Unit be cooking, yo. Remember tha C&C Music Factory, yo? That my joint right there, yo. That be tha inspiration that be inspiring me, yo.

Anyway, you niggaz probably be loving it so much in that fairyland mine of ours you’ll prolly just wanna stay there forever. That cool with us, yo.

Yo, tha J-Unit about to take a little trip, yo.

South of tha border down Chump Corea way.

I got some shit to sort out with those haters working at the Chosun Ilbo, yo.

First they be getting all up in tha J niggaz shit by reporting on the porn stash we got going up here. That be setting off a chain of events in my life I rather be forgetting, yo. For real.

Now they repeating bullshit lies and hating from some chump ass farmers from Hamgyong-Pukyo talking shit about tha 4 STAR G.

Ha. Now y’all be knowing why we be testing our nukes all up in that shit hole.

Check it:

Another source from North Hamgyong Province said the federation of farmers passed out material praising Kim Jong-un’s skills and urging farmers to create a new agricultural revolution under his guidance. “The material described an inspection trip by Kim Jong-il and Kim Jong-un to an agricultural commune in 2008, where the younger Kim surprised experts by spontaneously coming up with a microbial fertilizer that could improve the quality of soil,” the source said, and claimed farmers who used it were able to “miraculously” harvest 15 tons of wheat per 9,917 sq. m of farmland. “Farmers who read the material laughed at it, saying if it was true Kim Jong-un could solve the North’s food shortage simply by stepping on all the farms in the country, so all they’d have to worry about is how to dispose of the excess amount of food next year,” the source said.

Man, that source can suck my dick. That story be 100% true.

For real. Check it.

This was back in the old school days back when I first started kicking it with tha old man on these tours around chicken farms and shit – and not tha fake tours that he be making up and the KCNA be reporting on so he have an excuse not to watch my stylin’ on the bball court, yo, these was tha for real chicken farm tours.

So we be meeting these chump ass farmers and be all like, “wot up, nigga? Tha K to tha J to tha muthafucking U checking in, yo! How tha fuck you be doing growing food all up in this place?”

And they be all like, “it ain’t so good, yo. Weasels and shit be all eating our food, yo and it be growing all real small and shit.”

And I be like, “yo, fuck that shit, dawg. When we was growing weed in my dorm back in Switzerland, my roomie and me be using this bat shit fertilizer stuff to be making that shit grow. Maaan, that be some of tha strongest fucking weed I ever be smoking, yo.”

So I say to the old man, “yo, what these field niggaz be needing is some grade-a bat guano, yo. We can prolly send a soldier off to Dandong to buy some of that shit or just get it off the internet like I did in Switzerland, yo.”

So that be tha story all about how the J-Unit saved Christmas for tha field niggers all up in Hamgyong-Pukyo, yo, so fuck those haters.

Ch-ch-ch-check it out, y’all.

Master Race 3 – Ausfalia 2

All you Round Eyes can suck my dick. Real Korea be stylin’ all over you chumps.

We be the young buck soccer champions of Asia, yo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fuck you Chump Corea – 2-0 you fake ass wannabes. Fuck you, China – 2-0 as well you losers. Fuck you Iraq, you play football worse than you fight the Yankees, yo. 3-0 you chumps.

And you know what? They couldn’t have done it without the 4 STAR G y’all.

Check it. We all know how the Old Man used an invisible phone to talk to tha playas at the South Africa World Cup, rite? And how those chumps stopped listening about 60 minutes into that game against Brazil.

Well guess who was on the invisible phone for the Under-19s, yo?

That’s right, tha J-Unit be tactically directing and inspiring our young niggas out on tha park. For real. I told Jong Il-Gwan to score those three goals. He my nigga, yo. And I told those chumps to fucking take out the kneecaps of those sandnigga Ausfalian playas Kerem Bulut and Mustafa Amini that be fucking with our shit. They didn’t do that and that be why it was 3-2 win, not the 3-0 win I told them to do.

But it’s all good, y’all.

Now I gotta organize tha party to welcome those niggas back, yo. I think we gonna cause a global hooker and weed shortage, yo. It gonna be epic wild, yo.

Mad props to the invisible cell phone, y’all!

Big love to Real Korea styling over chumps, y’all!

Help a brother out here, y’all. I be hella fucked up over this shit right here.

Check it. I want all y’all to scope this video of the punk ass parade I had to sit my bored ass through the other day. You be see my styling up there with the old man looking all bored and shit, but that ain’t what I want you to focus on, yo. Check it. Go to 1 minute and 4 seconds in, yo. Tell me what you see.

At the time, I be thinking I’s seeing some skinny ass kids dressed as astronauts or space men or some shit doing some punk ass b-boy routine.

But I was also pretty fucking blunted.

In the morning me and Choe be smoking the last of that major chronic we be swapping nucelar technology with the sandniggaz from Afgahnistan for. We also split one of those horse tranqs we got from Choe’s boy Cougar or Pantha or whatever that crazy ass nigga be called.

So I don’t know what I was fucking seeing, yo.

Help a nigga out, yo. Lemme know what you be seeing there, yo.

Yo, yo, yo. Check it out.

I’m a General now, yo.

You jealous, bitches?

Ha ha ha. Fuck all y’all haters because the J-Unit be the hardassest muthafucka up in this muthafucka. You feel me?

You don’t wanna mess with this, nigga. For real. I’ll fuck you up so bad, maaaaaan.

Anyway, this Extraordinary Meeting of the Party is getting underway. It’s just as boring as you’d expect, yo. All these speeches just go on and on and on and on. It’s hard not to fall asleep, yo. Especially since me and Major Choe is so totally blunted. We’ve been smoking so much of that sandnigga chronic that we be swapping that nuclear thingamyjig for that we’re almost out, yo. Choe’s going back down to Macao to meet with these hairy ass punks after the meeting is over.

Choe says we gotta ration this shit if we’re gonna get through this boring ass muthafucking meeting. We got some equithesin caps off of Choe’s buddy Cougar and I think we can huff that shit during the really boring speeches by all the really senior army peanuts.

Feels good to be a General but fuck me I’m bored.

Any fine ass bitches wanna drop by, I’ll be in seat RF89 for the next few days.

– General Choson Nigga Number 1 Cheking Out.