Archive for the ‘South Korea’ Category

Rare that the J-UNIT issue an apology, yo. The BRILLIANT COMRADE not be normally in tha bidness of making mistakes is why.

But when I fuck shit up, the 4 STAR G be man enough to own up to his fuck ups.

So check it:

I’s sorry that I started shooting at you Chump Corea soldiers in Gangwon yesterday. I fucked up, y’all. I wasn’t trying to start nothing. I just thought I saw tha Hobgoblin.

You know, from Spider-Man.

And, ok, yeah, I had been drinking. And, ok, yeah, I was also fucked up on ‘shrooms. And, ok, yeah, our subsequent investigations have shown conclusively that y’all weren’t tha Hobgoblin. And, ok. yeah, turns out also that you weren’t laughing at me because my girl Kim Kardashian won’t friend me on MySpace and calling me a punk ass powerpoint.

It just sure as shit look like that be what happening, yo.

I want y’all to appreciate that in tha spirit of the peaceful reunification of the muthaland and shit that I’ve made a promise to myself that next time I go on a tour of the military posts along the DMZ to visit our brave soldiers who somehow fucked up really bad or pissed off some Party Official or whatever and got they chump asses assigned to the front line cannonfodder defense, I will be absolutely 100% sober.

Cross my heart, y’all.

On the upside the old man didn’t hardly yell at me at all. He just said, “what would be tha point?” and asked when I was leaving for my holiday.

Could have been a lot worse, y’all.

The J-UNIT gonna be taking a little study trip, yo.

Military Intelligence says I can’t say where – CHUMP KOREA & AUSFALIA!!! – and I sure as shit can’t say when – NEXT WEEK, Y’ALL!!! – but it’s gonna happen, yo.

Officially it’s like those trips around the country that my gramps, Kim Il-Sung used to take. The Korean Central News Agency be reporting on them all the time. They in story books and shit. They mostly about how he fought tha Japs and healed some leppers and made blind people see. With weed, I guess. Major Choe said weed be good for that. That before Choe got sent away.

Unofficially, though, the old man thinks it would be good for me to just get away from the stress and media attention and shit. It’s pretty intense. I can’t walk down the street without bitches being all throwing themselves at me and shit. Everyone wanting my autograph and advice on how to increase industrial or agricultural production by they reaffirming commitment to tha guiding principles of Juche and Songun and shit.

I’m pretty fucking excited, yo.

But I’s also pretty fucking pissed off as well.

Check it, I spent most of tha day on the Korean Air site trying to book my flights. Air Koryo banned me for life last year after I be glassing that chump ass faggit pilot who be telling the stewardesses to be 86ing me on tha small wines.

Not that I’d fly with those chumps ever again anyway. Check it – have you seen the fucking huge number of points a nigga be needing on the Air Koryo frequent flyer program for even an upgrade to business? It fucking crazy, yo. Fuck that shit man.

Problem is Korean Air weren’t accepting my DPRK Central Bank issued visa card and they refused my Banco Delta Asia AmEx. Same with Asiana, yo – they be to Korean Air what South Korea is to Real Korea, yo. It’s fucking crazyass, maaaan! Is my laundered money no good to you punks? We all know how poor Pussy Ass Korea is, yo. We all know it just a disease-infested American chump colony, yo. So why they be rejecting my money?

So my options basically be (1) cancel my holiday or (2) bite tha muthafucking bullet and get tha train to Dandong and take Ryan Air. So obviously I wanna cancel, rite?

Problem is tha old man say, no way I can just hanging around Pyongyang all winter. He say I either take the trip or I go do something “productive” with my time like take a course at Pyongyang Community College. Learn to speak Chinese or how to speed type or something.

So Ryan Air it is. Worse than Koryo, yo, but I can’t wait to get on tha road.

P.s. Look out Massimiliano Gioni – I wasn’t kidding when I said I was gonna fuck you up, you punk ass poseur.

P.p.s. So wanna fuck tha Korea Air error message cartoon bitch. So fucking hot, maaaaaan.

So fucking hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot

Those southern fagz in Chump Corea are up to it again. Trying to style all over us Real Choson niggaz, yo.

This time they be offering those Chilean miners a free holiday in that shit hole US leper colony of they’s.

Man, fuck that shit.

Yo, Chile Dawgs – Come par-tay with tha Fresh Prince of Pyongyang, y’all!!!

We got better weed and better hookers up in this Democratic Peoples Joint than those wannabes in the South could ever dream of, yo.

And we can even take you on a tour of our sweet ass mines, yo.

You be loving that shit, yo. Check it:

The March 5 Youth Mine, located at the northern tip of Korea, has undergone a radical change. … Ore mining, transport, crushing, flotation and all other processes have been put on the CNC basis with the miners just monitoring equipment, free from injurious labor. …The mine’s night view is also fantastic, with a mess hall, sanatorium and cultural centre decorated with electric lights blending in with brightly lit dwelling houses. When visiting the mine some time ago, General Secretary Kim Jong Il commanded a bird’s eye view of the mine and said it was a fairyland in the Songun era.

You hear that, homies? It a fairyland, yo. But that ain’t mean it ain’t all manly and shit. It just be all scientific and shit – that the CNC shit, yo. That be my thang right there, yo. That tha shit what tha J-Unit be cooking, yo. Remember tha C&C Music Factory, yo? That my joint right there, yo. That be tha inspiration that be inspiring me, yo.

Anyway, you niggaz probably be loving it so much in that fairyland mine of ours you’ll prolly just wanna stay there forever. That cool with us, yo.

Life ain’t easy for the Brilliant Comrade, yo.

I got all kinds of stress on me, yo.

I’m close to tha edge; I’m trying not to lose my head.

And then the Chump Corea newspaper Chosun Ilbo goes and fucks shit up by reporting about the porn stash we got going up here in the North.

Give a nigga a break, yo. I’s living a very stressful life.

I mean, what if my old man finds my stash? Big Ass Ebony Hunniez Volume 48 ain’t exactly juche-orientated democratic-proletarian culture to uplift the masses, you know. It sure be uplifting Jong-Un Junior if you know what I mean.

So fuck you, Chosun Ilbo. Why can’t you stick to reporting about sensible shit that actually gonna matter to a nigga – like your story about tha “human torpedoes” that we be apparently developing to blow your shit up with.

I rang all the military chumps I know and they don’t know nothing about that shit. Some of them thought it was a good idea, though. Major Choe thinks that nigga in the photo looks a bit like his room mate from his first year at the Kim Il-Sung Military Academy, except that nigga got posted to a diplomatic mission in Pakistan. And you know what that means, right? Yeah, he growing weed.

 

Ch-ch-ch-check it out, y’all.

Master Race 3 – Ausfalia 2

All you Round Eyes can suck my dick. Real Korea be stylin’ all over you chumps.

We be the young buck soccer champions of Asia, yo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fuck you Chump Corea – 2-0 you fake ass wannabes. Fuck you, China – 2-0 as well you losers. Fuck you Iraq, you play football worse than you fight the Yankees, yo. 3-0 you chumps.

And you know what? They couldn’t have done it without the 4 STAR G y’all.

Check it. We all know how the Old Man used an invisible phone to talk to tha playas at the South Africa World Cup, rite? And how those chumps stopped listening about 60 minutes into that game against Brazil.

Well guess who was on the invisible phone for the Under-19s, yo?

That’s right, tha J-Unit be tactically directing and inspiring our young niggas out on tha park. For real. I told Jong Il-Gwan to score those three goals. He my nigga, yo. And I told those chumps to fucking take out the kneecaps of those sandnigga Ausfalian playas Kerem Bulut and Mustafa Amini that be fucking with our shit. They didn’t do that and that be why it was 3-2 win, not the 3-0 win I told them to do.

But it’s all good, y’all.

Now I gotta organize tha party to welcome those niggas back, yo. I think we gonna cause a global hooker and weed shortage, yo. It gonna be epic wild, yo.

Mad props to the invisible cell phone, y’all!

Big love to Real Korea styling over chumps, y’all!

Yo, first up, big reminder to you all to be friending tha J-Unit over at MySpace, yo.

There be less than a month for me to get 1000 friends or else I’m gonna nuke all those punks at the G20 summit in Seoul – especially those sandnigga Saudis who be talking all shit about me to my girl, Kim Kardashian.

Check it, my Round Eye nigga Matthew McConaughey did the right thing, he be hitting me up to be friends.

If you wanna rap with the 4 STAR G, but you also want me to nuke those chumps, you can friend me over at Friendster, yo. Friendster basically MySpace but for us bugs. So if you wanna friend me over there, check it, I don’t want no slant-eyed bugs over there, so if you ain’t got your eyes fixed yet, get that shit sorted, yo. You making the Master Race look bad looking all Asian and shit.

Aiight, then.

So y’all remember my confusion a few days back over the video of the parade? How there be some space kids busting their moves? Turns out that shit was for real and not just something I was hallucinating because I was mad blunted and took that horse tranq.

Check it:

So I ask my homie Major Choe, wtf?

And he got no fucking idea, yo. But that ain’t surprising for that stoner ass punk.

So Choe do what he always do when all confused and shit.

He check his diary. He be writing in that diary all the time, yo. It full of shit he be calling ‘automatic writing’ and designs for furniture and shit. He indexes that muthafucka like only some obsessive stoner can.

And it turns out that not only is there a for real space program up in this worksers paradise, yo, but check it: I’m in charge.

When we find out shit like this, it ususally because of something that happened back in January.

We call that our “lost month”, yo.

It was snowing like a muthafucka so we couldn’t go outside and play, and Choe got his hands on this crystal powder shit they use in the Kim Chaek University for experiments on rats and shit.

O man. That shit got us mad blunted. It put us right to sleep.

For real. We was putting that shit on our coco puffs at breakfast. We was living like fucking zombies for that whole month.

A whole lot of meetings and decisions and shit happened that we just got no idea about.

Including the inaugural meeting of the DPRK Interplanetary Ideological Exploration Committee which I was chairing.

Turns out the old man put me in charge. Turns out the military and tha Korean Committee of Space Technology aren’t happy with just pretending to shoot sattelites into space.

They want to put a nigga on Mars.

They want the Juche ideology to taken to the outer spheres or some shit.

There’s a lot of stuff we still can’t remember but check it, we got a a €50,000 budget…

Yo, check it.

Guess what those pussy ass southerners are doing next month?

That’s right, they be hosting tha G20 summit in Seoul. That’s tha meeting of the leaders of the 19 wealthiest and most influential playas in tha world.

Plus Ausfalia.

Guess who ain’t invited, yo?

That’s right, the Fresh Prince of Pyongyang.

And that be suiting me just fine, yo. Fuck those chump ass Mexican Koreans and fuck all y’all Round Eyes chumps. Your parties suck ass, man. I be hearing there gonna be a half a million cops there, yo. Man, fuck tha police, yo. You can’t party with a half million pigs on your case. Fuck that shit, amirite?

I got a better idea, yo.

How about I just nuke those chumps?

Fuck you Obama, you’ve fucked with my shit one too many times. Fuck you, Zhou Xiaochuan, governor of the People’s Bank of China. I’ll teach you to deny me an overdraft the night before a big ass date with four Cambodian hookers. Fuck you, Geithner you sanction-loving punk ass nerd, enjoy 20 million mega-tonnes you fag.

And fuck you, Saudi Finance Minister Ibrahim bin Abdulaziz bin Abdullah Al-Assaf, I know you been telling Kim Kardashian not to return my calls. And I know Saud al-Faisal been telling her not to friend me on MySpace – you think you can get away with that you fucking sandnigga punk? I know You hairy ass sandniggaz are all in it together. Fuck all y’all, yo.

Quit getting in the way of me fucking my cousin Kim Kardashian, you Saudi punks!!!

So check it. If I get 1000 friends hit me up on MySpace by November 12 when that punk ass meeting be starting, yo, I’m gonna nuke that joint all to shit.

Word be bond, y’all. Tha J-Unit be for reals.

So add me, bitches!