Archive for the ‘SNSD’ Category

I got some bad news, some good news, and some weird news, y’all.

Check it.

Y’all know how I was majorly pissed as the Chump Corea newspaper Chosun Ilbo for printing that story about the big ass porn stash we got going up here, yo? Cos you know how I was worried that my dad might find out and yell at me and call me a no good punk like he always do – or worse, confiscate it.

Well. It kinda happened. Just not in tha way I be expecting, yo.

Check it.

I guess one of his generals must read tha Chump Corea news because early this morning, like 10 o’clock, I had these soldiers knocking on my bedroom door.

I opened it and they be all like, “where is the porn, General Kim?”

And I’m like, “nigga, wot? There ain’t no porn here. That Jong-Nam’s thang, it ain’t mine. I just read the essays of the Great Leader, gramps, and Enver Hoxha and shit.”

Then they be all like, “with all greatest respect and deference, o Morningstar General, give up the porn, bitch.”

So I go get the box of tapes and magazines – but not my copy of my girl Kim Kardashian’s movie, yo. Yo, I don’t care that she my cousin, I would hit that shit so hard.

They say, “get dressed and come with us.”

They be putting me in the back of a army jeep and we be driving to my dad’s Pyongyang pad. I know this ain’t gonna be good, yo. For real – the old man don’t even want to see me normally unless it some special occasion like a parade or Chuseok or those bridge nights that Sul-Song organizes, cos then he has to.

So I know this gonna be bad, yo.

The soldiers take me to the foyer of dad’s pad and talk to some nigga on tha phone. Then they be taking me down some stairs to the basement – that a place that we never was allowed to go as younguns, yo. Everyone be always saying to me, “yo, keep out of tha basement, Jong-Un. Your old man a very important nigga and he be working down there for tha good of tha Korean people and the peaceful reunification of tha muthaland and the furtherance of the Juche ideal” and shit.

So I ain’t ashamed to say I be messing myself worse than tha first time I be seeing one of those SNSD joints, yo. But in a bad way.

They knock on the door of this room and I hear this voice that sound like tha old man from inside go, “come in.”

The soldiers open the door for me and shove me inside. The close the door and I hear them walk away.

Inside it’s the old man, aiight.

He’s sitting on this grungy old couch in a North Korea football team tracksuit in a room full of shelves of videos and dvds and shit. He’s got a six pack of Taedonggang beer and a box of tissues.

He look at me and he go, “so you like fuck films, huh?”

And I be like, “no way, nigga! Those soldiers planted that shit in my room, yo! They agents of the South, yo, they be trying to undermine the Party, yo! We should kill them now before they can spread their lies to the masses!”

He grunts and shows me this old video tape. He goes, “you ever seen this one?”

It got all these round eyes in it with big hair and big tits. It look serious old school for real.

He say, “1970s Swedish pornography has never been beaten. It is timeless. Malmö Goddamn is a classic of that peerless era.”

I don’t know what to say, yo.

The old man go, “I watched this with my father. Now I will watch this with you. Sit.”

He crack open a beer and I sit on the other end of the couch.

He pushes some buttons on the remote control and the lights go all dim and this old movie screen comes down from the ceiling.  “Many of the directors were committed Communists,” he say. “Our comrades in the DDR made many fine fuck films, but there was something special about the Swedish adult film movement of that era. There was a combination of bold imagination and solid cinematic training that can only be described as a dialectical interplay of almost juche-orientated artistic production. Interestingly, many of the finest adult film makers of that era had trained in Leningrad; many of the cinematic techniques that we see in productions from Kinostudiya Lenfilm at that time are apparent in the Swedish fuck films of the era as well. The influence of Kheifets, in particular, is obvious.” He keep going on and on and on like this through most of the first half of the movie.

The he decide he wanna crack one off, yo.

I can’t say that it woulda been better to get sent to the coal mines – I sent a lot of niggaz there that prolly waiting for me and wanting to get all Malmö Goddamn on my ass.

I’m glad he ain’t mad at me, also. And I guess it’s kind of cool to be spending time with the old nigga, wot with he be all dying and shit. I can’t remember tha last time we spent more than five minutes in the room together without him telling me I’s a no good punk and gonna be tha ruin of the Kim family and the Juche ideal.

One thing I can say, yo, I sure as shit hope I never have to watch porn with my dad ever again.


Where My Pizza At You SoShi Bitches?

Posted: 2010EPMR +0000September GMT+000022PM J+0000422 in bitches, DPRK, food, Kim Jong-Un, Macao, North Korea, SNSD, weed

Yo wassup? J-Unit be chillin’ and just waiting for this bigass storm to pass and for Choe to make his slowass slacker way back from Macao. I wonder what he gonna bring back in his diplomat bag? Knowing him it just be weed and porno, man. That’s why I love that nigga, yo. Not like a faggot, like a bro, you know what I’m sayin?

So I’m getting all hungry and shit cos all the waitors be out fixing shit from the storm and ain’t no one here to cook me nothing. And so I’m thinking I should get me a pizza.

And I’m thinking I should get those hotass bitches from SoShi to come deliver my pizza, yo.

This punkass on the phone be all sniggering and shit when I ring ’em up. I gonna have to lit that nigga up my pizza don’t get here soon.

– Check yo’self.

– *K* 2tha *J* 2thamuthafuking *U*

– Pizza out, Niggaaaaa!

Beijing Sucks Ass

Posted: 2010EPMR +0000August GMT+000015PM J+0000215 in bitches, bling, China, computers, DPRK, food, Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un, North Korea, SNSD, Star Craft

So I got back last week from Beijing with my old man and some of his old fart army buddies.

They wanted me to meet some of their Chink army dudes. I went to all these fucking meetings where they just talked on and on about sinking boats and grain deliveries and the fucking Yankees and shit.

Beijing sucks ass, too. All those fucking lights hurt my eyes. I was walking around like after an all night Star Craft session with my team – Team Jong-Un.

In Pyongyang we know to turn the lights out at night. We gotta so those pussyass faggot yankees can’t know where the city is to blow it up and bomb it and shit.

They think we’re just these dumbass bitches but we’s smart like that. Man. I see Seoul all lit up at night and shit and I’m like man, I’m gonna lit that muthafucka up so bad one day and this bitch is all like fuck yeah, J-U.

Beijing is full of round-eyes too. Fuck I hate the round-eyes. We’ll sort those fucks out soon. Lit ’em up like Seoul, yeaaaah.

I got this pretty sweet blinged watch off this nigga at a market but. Pretty cheap too.

Dad says its important the image I’m gonna present when I start to meet with the round-eyes and those pussyass choson bitches in the south and shit.

Round-eye motherfuckers gotta know a guy with a blinging Rollecks is for real, amiright?

Wasn’t all bad, though.

Chink bitches are pretty hot. I told this general guy to go kidnap that Zhang Ziyi bitch and he said he would.

That was the best shit gramps used to do. Kidnapping all these Jap actresses and models and shit.

Jap bitches are cash, dawg.

Also, we got free internet at this hotel we stayed at. The Beijing Nanyuan Airport Holiday Inn Express. Man I was so fucking stuffing myself at that breakfast buffet I could hardly walk back to my room, man.

It’s fucking tiny compared to this bigass hotel we got in Pyongyang – biggest fucking hotel in the world, boyeee. Better believe it. We got the Presidential Suite. It was pretty sweet.

See what I did there faggot?

So I FINALLY got these patches to Win95 that sort out most of the crashes and shit. Those military fucks are gonna be so jealous when I get back and their airforce computers are still all crashing and shit and I’m there styling on Star Craft.

I also ate like a fucking ton of those prawn crackers. Dad said I could take a train carriage full back with me if I promised not to talk about Star Craft or SoShi in front of the Chinks. Those bitches are so hot.

Anyway, turns out when we got back it turns out that all the crackers was all soggy.

Dad said we couldn’t send the general to the coal mines because we needed him to fight the yankees and the southern faggots.

So we just killed the dumbass train dude who let that fucking shit happen and FUCKED UP MY WHOLE DAY.

Later nigga.

Peace out,

– Jong-Un