I got some bad news, some good news, and some weird news, y’all.
Check it.
Y’all know how I was majorly pissed as the Chump Corea newspaper Chosun Ilbo for printing that story about the big ass porn stash we got going up here, yo? Cos you know how I was worried that my dad might find out and yell at me and call me a no good punk like he always do – or worse, confiscate it.
Well. It kinda happened. Just not in tha way I be expecting, yo.
Check it.
I guess one of his generals must read tha Chump Corea news because early this morning, like 10 o’clock, I had these soldiers knocking on my bedroom door.
I opened it and they be all like, “where is the porn, General Kim?”
And I’m like, “nigga, wot? There ain’t no porn here. That Jong-Nam’s thang, it ain’t mine. I just read the essays of the Great Leader, gramps, and Enver Hoxha and shit.”
Then they be all like, “with all greatest respect and deference, o Morningstar General, give up the porn, bitch.”
So I go get the box of tapes and magazines – but not my copy of my girl Kim Kardashian’s movie, yo. Yo, I don’t care that she my cousin, I would hit that shit so hard.
They say, “get dressed and come with us.”
They be putting me in the back of a army jeep and we be driving to my dad’s Pyongyang pad. I know this ain’t gonna be good, yo. For real – the old man don’t even want to see me normally unless it some special occasion like a parade or Chuseok or those bridge nights that Sul-Song organizes, cos then he has to.
So I know this gonna be bad, yo.
The soldiers take me to the foyer of dad’s pad and talk to some nigga on tha phone. Then they be taking me down some stairs to the basement – that a place that we never was allowed to go as younguns, yo. Everyone be always saying to me, “yo, keep out of tha basement, Jong-Un. Your old man a very important nigga and he be working down there for tha good of tha Korean people and the peaceful reunification of tha muthaland and the furtherance of the Juche ideal” and shit.
So I ain’t ashamed to say I be messing myself worse than tha first time I be seeing one of those SNSD joints, yo. But in a bad way.
They knock on the door of this room and I hear this voice that sound like tha old man from inside go, “come in.”
The soldiers open the door for me and shove me inside. The close the door and I hear them walk away.
Inside it’s the old man, aiight.
He’s sitting on this grungy old couch in a North Korea football team tracksuit in a room full of shelves of videos and dvds and shit. He’s got a six pack of Taedonggang beer and a box of tissues.
He look at me and he go, “so you like fuck films, huh?”
And I be like, “no way, nigga! Those soldiers planted that shit in my room, yo! They agents of the South, yo, they be trying to undermine the Party, yo! We should kill them now before they can spread their lies to the masses!”
He grunts and shows me this old video tape. He goes, “you ever seen this one?”
It got all these round eyes in it with big hair and big tits. It look serious old school for real.
He say, “1970s Swedish pornography has never been beaten. It is timeless. Malmö Goddamn is a classic of that peerless era.”
I don’t know what to say, yo.
The old man go, “I watched this with my father. Now I will watch this with you. Sit.”
He crack open a beer and I sit on the other end of the couch.
He pushes some buttons on the remote control and the lights go all dim and this old movie screen comes down from the ceiling. “Many of the directors were committed Communists,” he say. “Our comrades in the DDR made many fine fuck films, but there was something special about the Swedish adult film movement of that era. There was a combination of bold imagination and solid cinematic training that can only be described as a dialectical interplay of almost juche-orientated artistic production. Interestingly, many of the finest adult film makers of that era had trained in Leningrad; many of the cinematic techniques that we see in productions from Kinostudiya Lenfilm at that time are apparent in the Swedish fuck films of the era as well. The influence of Kheifets, in particular, is obvious.” He keep going on and on and on like this through most of the first half of the movie.
The he decide he wanna crack one off, yo.
I can’t say that it woulda been better to get sent to the coal mines – I sent a lot of niggaz there that prolly waiting for me and wanting to get all Malmö Goddamn on my ass.
I’m glad he ain’t mad at me, also. And I guess it’s kind of cool to be spending time with the old nigga, wot with he be all dying and shit. I can’t remember tha last time we spent more than five minutes in the room together without him telling me I’s a no good punk and gonna be tha ruin of the Kim family and the Juche ideal.
One thing I can say, yo, I sure as shit hope I never have to watch porn with my dad ever again.
KIM JONG UN Y'ALL 