Archive for the ‘Kim Il-Sung’ Category

The J-UNIT gonna be taking a little study trip, yo.

Military Intelligence says I can’t say where – CHUMP KOREA & AUSFALIA!!! – and I sure as shit can’t say when – NEXT WEEK, Y’ALL!!! – but it’s gonna happen, yo.

Officially it’s like those trips around the country that my gramps, Kim Il-Sung used to take. The Korean Central News Agency be reporting on them all the time. They in story books and shit. They mostly about how he fought tha Japs and healed some leppers and made blind people see. With weed, I guess. Major Choe said weed be good for that. That before Choe got sent away.

Unofficially, though, the old man thinks it would be good for me to just get away from the stress and media attention and shit. It’s pretty intense. I can’t walk down the street without bitches being all throwing themselves at me and shit. Everyone wanting my autograph and advice on how to increase industrial or agricultural production by they reaffirming commitment to tha guiding principles of Juche and Songun and shit.

I’m pretty fucking excited, yo.

But I’s also pretty fucking pissed off as well.

Check it, I spent most of tha day on the Korean Air site trying to book my flights. Air Koryo banned me for life last year after I be glassing that chump ass faggit pilot who be telling the stewardesses to be 86ing me on tha small wines.

Not that I’d fly with those chumps ever again anyway. Check it – have you seen the fucking huge number of points a nigga be needing on the Air Koryo frequent flyer program for even an upgrade to business? It fucking crazy, yo. Fuck that shit man.

Problem is Korean Air weren’t accepting my DPRK Central Bank issued visa card and they refused my Banco Delta Asia AmEx. Same with Asiana, yo – they be to Korean Air what South Korea is to Real Korea, yo. It’s fucking crazyass, maaaan! Is my laundered money no good to you punks? We all know how poor Pussy Ass Korea is, yo. We all know it just a disease-infested American chump colony, yo. So why they be rejecting my money?

So my options basically be (1) cancel my holiday or (2) bite tha muthafucking bullet and get tha train to Dandong and take Ryan Air. So obviously I wanna cancel, rite?

Problem is tha old man say, no way I can just hanging around Pyongyang all winter. He say I either take the trip or I go do something “productive” with my time like take a course at Pyongyang Community College. Learn to speak Chinese or how to speed type or something.

So Ryan Air it is. Worse than Koryo, yo, but I can’t wait to get on tha road.

P.s. Look out Massimiliano Gioni – I wasn’t kidding when I said I was gonna fuck you up, you punk ass poseur.

P.p.s. So wanna fuck tha Korea Air error message cartoon bitch. So fucking hot, maaaaaan.

So fucking hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot

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Life ain’t easy for the Brilliant Comrade, yo.

I got all kinds of stress on me, yo.

I’m close to tha edge; I’m trying not to lose my head.

And then the Chump Corea newspaper Chosun Ilbo goes and fucks shit up by reporting about the porn stash we got going up here in the North.

Give a nigga a break, yo. I’s living a very stressful life.

I mean, what if my old man finds my stash? Big Ass Ebony Hunniez Volume 48 ain’t exactly juche-orientated democratic-proletarian culture to uplift the masses, you know. It sure be uplifting Jong-Un Junior if you know what I mean.

So fuck you, Chosun Ilbo. Why can’t you stick to reporting about sensible shit that actually gonna matter to a nigga – like your story about tha “human torpedoes” that we be apparently developing to blow your shit up with.

I rang all the military chumps I know and they don’t know nothing about that shit. Some of them thought it was a good idea, though. Major Choe thinks that nigga in the photo looks a bit like his room mate from his first year at the Kim Il-Sung Military Academy, except that nigga got posted to a diplomatic mission in Pakistan. And you know what that means, right? Yeah, he growing weed.

 

Y’all know me as a patient nigga, amirite?

Jong-Un? Yeah, he tha most patient muthafucka up in this muthafucka people be saying to me.

He tha most qualified nigga to be running this place but he got big love for the Old Man and big love for all his Party niggas so he be patient, yo. That be what they is saying also.

But there is one chump ass muthafucka makes me lose all my patience, yo.

Fuck you Alejandro Cao de Benós de Les y Pérez. Seriosly. Fuck you, man.

That nigga’s days are numbered, man, for real.

Check it. Tha A to tha C to tha little ass d and tha B be some kind of foreign representative of the Culture Ministry. He run this punk ass crew called the Korean Friendship Association in Spain. They organize tours for tha Round Eyes and shit and tell the world about the Juche ideal and how it be all ideal and shit and all the shit they be talking about tha D to tha P to tha R to tha K be all make believe and shit.

So basically he do all the chump ass shit that no one in the Master Race wanna do, yo.

And check it: we don’t even pay tha nigga. We just throw some scrawny ass hookers his way from time to time and make sure he got plenty of skratchy ass Mao suits and Kim Il-Sung badges and that nigga be good to go.

Funny thing is, he believing pretty much anything we saying to him. He believe shit that none of us even believe – and we be tha niggas that make it all up to begin with.

He say he wanna be a “soldier for Kim Jong-Il” and shit.

Maaaaaan. Most of my homies are for real “soldiers for Kim Jong-Il”. Lemme tell you man, it ain’t as much fun as he be making out, yo.

So there be a lot of suspicion about this nigga in the corridors of Choson Power. Also in the State Ministry for Gas & Water Supplies. Some people thinking he just some crazy nigga to be all loving on the DPRK. Some doctor said that it was a case of Yellow Fever that went all crazy ass. Like he just be digging on skinny ass bug chicks but somehow it all go messed up with fidelity to the revolutionary line of Kim Il-Sung and Kim Jong-Il or some shit.

Me, I just wish that Round Eye nigga wouldn’t clap and cheer so loudly at Party meetings.

For real. He be hollering so loud at that Extraordinary meeting we had that I could hear him from down the front from where he be sitting in the cheap ass round eyes seats way up the back.

You know what else I hate about the chump? The way he always posing and walking around like he some action figure. Check it:

He thinks he’s Buzz Lightyear or something.

And I hate the way the Old Man be all loving on him and shit. He be saying to me all the fucking time, “why can’t you be a faithful soldier of Kim Jong-Il like Alejandro?”

That shit’s for chumps, man.

He be all like, “Alejandro would never have endangered the security of our Peoples Republic’s counterfitting operations by ordering the printing houses to make up phoney US $69 dollar bills and then release them on the black market in Hong Kong strip clubs. Alejandro wouldn’t have gotten drunk and spewed up in Kim Dae-Jung’s limosine and endangered historic diplomatic talks. Alejandro wouldn’t sleep until noon every day. Alejandro wouldn’t contract dengue fever from screwing around with Burmese street hoes on a trade mission to Vietnam.”

Man. Some times I think the Old Man wishes that Alejandro was his son.

That gets me all hurt inside and shit.

I think I’m gonna plant a bag full of fake US dollars and a US passport in that niggas apartment when he’s next back in town. Let’s see how Mr Faithful Soldier explains that shit, yo…

Worst Chuseok Ever, Yo

Posted: 2010EPMR +0000September UTC18PM J+0000418 in bitches, Chuseok, DPRK, joints, Kim Il-Sung, Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un, North Korea

The J-Unit pissed off, yo.

This be the worst Chuseok ever, yo.

Last year me and Captain Cha – he be doing Major Choe’s job before Major Choe be doing it – we went to Japan. We was fucking Filipinos at the Toyoko Inn in Hamamatsu, yo.

This year I didn’t go nowhere, yo.

Well. That ain’t true. I had to go off to give mad props to gramps, Kim Il-Sung. He my nigga and all, don’t get me wrong, but I’d rather be fucking Filipino hoes that honouring the ancestors, know what I mean?

The Old Man came too. He didn’t say much too me. He’s still mad about how I put him in the hospital and shit.

He was like, “this is how you repay me?”

And I be like, “yo, I said I’s sorry, yo.”

Man. He gonna be pissed for a while, I think. I was like, “cut a nigga some slack, yo. It was mostly Choe’s fault, anyway.” But he didn’t say anything.

Still, we got KFC for dinner so that’s something.

Here be some Snoop and Dre for y’all.

Mad love to all my Choson Niggaz on Chuseok, yo!

Lemme run something by y’all this one time, yo.

We all know that I be taking OVER this nigga we be calling the D to tha P to tha R to tha muthafucking CHOSON NIGGAAAAA!!! on Sep 9, yo?

So I be getting my inauguration party together. Those round-eye Yankee chumps they get big parties and shit.

Why not the master race, yo?

So I be getting my plan on, dog. For real.

Dad still kinda butthurt about that thing with the dancing monkey over grandpa’s face so I be wanting to run this shit by you before I take it to him. Major Choe, he be my right hand nigga, but he still be sleeping off this epic Chronic he be trading some nuke shit with the hairy ass sandniggaz for. He no good.

So here what I be thinking, yo.

To open this mother fucker up have this poster all big:

That weed, it be all lit up and shining and shit. See weed be symbolizing new life and shit being all green and shit. Plus it shows that we be the cool ass Corea, not like them fucks down in the south.Fuck those chump ass punks.

Then we got this mad shit, yo. Check it:

These be the KARA JUCHE CAT bitches. Man that is so fucking hot. I be making my self so fucking hard when I be thinking that shit all up.

We have this bigass disco ball that actually be the real ass Choson symbol, see. It be real big, though. Big like a soccerball. Then we be having these KARA bitches be all singing and shit.

And they be dressed like cats.

Then we be having the main event.

It be my nigga. My nigga Soulja Boy.

He be coming out and doing this like medley of tributes to ALL my dead ass niggaz.

2Pac mostly, but my gramps, Kim Il-Sung, too.

He be joined by Snoop if tht stoner ass muthafucka Choe be awake in time to get his ass over here.

Soulja Boy be down. We be tight. He my nigga. He not let a nigga down, yo.

Then I come out at the end of all that and do this banga joint that I be working with Timbaland on, yo.

He say it be ready in time for Sep 9, but not before then, and we can’t release it or post it or nuthing because it gonna be the theme to EA NBA 2011.

They don’t make that shit for my SNES, yo. I played it one time at the mall when we went to Tokyo and it be ok. It ain’t Super Mario SNES, yo. You think Mario let his brother fuck that Princess? If I be him, I say no way. No way I be letting that junkie Jong-Chul or that old fuck Jong-Nam be fucking my bitch, yo. They get their own bitches.

Then when I give my shout-outs to ALL the niggaz deserve mad props, that be when we be seeing this, yo:

Ha ha. You be all like NIGGA WOT?

That be the new flag, yo.

It basically the old one, but it got some weed on it. It be reprsenting new life and shit.

So what you think? Shit be cash? I don’t wanna tell my dad yet and I gotta check with Major Choe but I be pretty sure this gonna be one wild ass meeting of the Korean Workers Party, yo!

– Mad props, homiez.

The J-Unit be EPIC blunted, yo.

That be some hard ass chronic shit Major Choe be trading those centrifuges for with them sandniggaz.

I ain’t been this high since North Carolina beat Michigan State last year, yo. We be all jumping over fires and shit. Jong-Chul be all burning his ass and shit. Shit was cash. I put the pics up on Flickr, yo.

We did some shit, though, Choe and me, when we was all blasted that didn’t work out so good.

Not that faggot shit if that what you be thinking. That be a southern thing, up here not so much. Except in the prisons, yo. But way I see it, what a nigga get up to in prison or in some dark ass coal mine be his own business, you feel me?

Nah man, what I mean is we was watching this dancing monkey on the internet which FINALLY got itself back again after all them storms. Man. We must’ve been watching that nigga for fucking hours man.We be laughing out blunt ass asses off, yo. Choe be all like, for a monkey, that bitch be pretty hot.

Somehow we ended up making this:

And somehow, we ended up ordering the Party Printing House to print up 50,000 of these muthafuckas for my inauguration in a few days time.

I don’t remember any of that shit actually happening, but I’m told it did, and it sure as shit seem like the sort of fucked up shit I be doing when I’s blunted.

And nigga, I was EPIC blunted, yo.

So dad found out when some chumpass nigga in the Printing House be calling up someone to ask why we wanna go be printing 50,000 posters with the head of gramps, Kim Il-Sung, replaced by that sweet ass dancing monkey.

Someone in Dad’s office came down and be all like NIGGA WOT?

So dad calls me and he’s like WOT THA FUCK, NIGGA? And he be saying that I as bad as that weak ass junkie Jong-Chul and he don’t know if he wanna be handing over power and shit to me no more.

It be ok though. He just be butt hurt we not be sharing the chronic. I explained that gramps still be my dead ass Choson nigga number one, yo. Me and Choe, we was just smoking up. He need to chill. He on edge cos he all dying and shit.

And he be like, where that dope from, yo? Except he don’t really talk like that but that be what he meant.

And I explain about this deal that me and Choe be doing with the sandniggaz and how we selling what we ain’t smoking to the Chinks and the faggitz in the south and stacking mad bills, yo.

O man.

You shoulda seen his face.

He got all red and start choking like he be sucking on the fattest J you ever seen.

Then he be all lecturing me about how shit be all “sensitive” with the round-eyes and the southern faggits and how now really be not the time to be making deals to swap nukes with the sandniggaz for weed and shit. Says we gotta be careful or they be getting even more up in our shit.

Man, I thought he’d be proud.

We be fucking raking in the dough, yo.

He just shakes his head and gets his hot ass nurse to wheel his butthurt butt away.

I’m gonna beat the shit out of that nigga Major Choe when I see him next.

– Peace out and smoke up, niggaaaaaz!

– J-Unit For Real