Archive for the ‘joints’ Category

J-Unit be pissed off tonight. Pissed off for real.

I be reading about Iran giving mad cash to the Afghans, yo. (oh and tha 4 STAR G be loving the Guardian, yo, Charlie Brooker my nigga – Nathan Barley be based on tha K to tha J to tha muthafucking U if that KJU be a Round Eyes, yo.)

This be the same Afghans that be conspiring with tha Saudis to be cheating us out of our weed and cash and stealing our nukes and be talking all shit to my girl Kim Kardashian and having her not be adding me on MySpace and shit, first of all.

Second of all, they ain’t even in tha club. They ain’t part of the Axis of Evil. They just some weed-growing bumpkins, yo.

Iran never gave me shit, yo. We be getting mad love from Cuba. China be loving on us too – when they ain’t confiscating the nukes we accidently be leaving in theys casinos. But we ain’t got shit from Iran.

So this my message, yo – gimme what I want or I’ll get it where I can.

We’s lonely up in this democratic peoples muthafucker, man.

Anyway, this my boy Ayatollah – he know where tha love at, not like that other Ayatollah that chump ass cheapskate.

A big weekend for the 4 STAR G, yo.

Went down in Macao with my homie Major Choe and his dad, the Ambassador to China Pyong-Gwan, or Big Choe as I call him, on Friday.

You know we be running out of that weed that we be exchanging those nuclear weapons parts with tha Afghan Al Qaeda punx for, yo? It was time for Round 2. But Choe’s dad be saying we also needing mad cash from those punx, too. Says the peaceful reunification of the Korean Peninsula under the enlightened leadership of Kim Jong-Il, and with fidelity to the doctrines of Juche and Songun ain’t gonna pay for itself, yo.

It was all sorted, yo.

Me and Major Choe and Major Choe’s dad was supposed to meet with this Saudi businessman in the private gaming room number 47A of the MGM Grand Macao casino.

It was all going to plan, too.

We’s sitting there drinking our Monkey Gland cocktails when tha sandnigga walks in.

That be when tha trouble starts, yo.

Ok, maybe like my dad be saying when I got home this morning and told him my side of the dialectical equation that it all started to go to shit after my fifth Monkey Gland. Maybe.

Anyway, the sandnigga walks in and he go all like, “I am here on behalf of the Foreign Minister, his Highness Prince Saud al-Faisal.”

That when I lose it, yo.

They punked me, yo.

Prince Saud al-Faisal?¬† He tha same guy that be talking all shit to my girl Kim Kardashian and telling her not to be friending me on MySpace and shit. He tha same guy I’s gonna nuke at tha G20 if she don’t add me, yo!

They punking me, yo!

So I say “no way man! No way I gonna be punked like this and be giving this warhead over to some representative of that chump, yo.” I be like, “check it, we out of here. We ain’t being punked like some punk ass punks, yo. We gone, man, we fucking gone, yo.”

And the Saudi be all like “we got a deal” and shit as if he ain’t just there to punk me, yo.

So I don’t really know but some how we all be getting into a fight until security be coming to separate us.

Big Choe be explaining how he a very important person and he got immunity and shit. So when he and Little Choe be stopping the security guards from looking in the diplomatic bag with the warhead in it, that’s when I made a run for it, yo.

Man I never run so fast in my life. Except that time that me and Little Choe be running away from the head of the Central Bank after I be all hitting on his daughter.

Man, they was good times…

So I got back to the hotel we be at, tha Best Western Sun Sun, and I be calling Little Choe on his phone, but there be no answer, yo.

I keep blowing that chump up for like a half an hour but there still no answer.

So I be all like, “fuck it, nigga think he too good to party with the J-Unit, I’ll have my own party, yo” and I went to find me some hookers.

So when I get back to Pyongyang this morning, some army chumps waiting at the airport. They take me straight to my dad’s pad. I’s thinking he’s gonna wanna watch more dirty movies, but it ain’t like that. Luckily, all it be is that Big Choe and Little Choe were kicked out of Macao and ain’t never allowed back.

The old man told me that we had to pay the Chinese a whole lot of money to cover up the fact that we left a nuclear warhead in the casino. Says they ain’t gonna give it back, neither. Says they be saying we can’t be trusted and we fucked up bad this time. Says he be saying that peaceful nuclear development be the birthright of the Korean nation, yo, but they still say they not giving it back.

He also be saying that if the MGM headquarters find out what we did in their Macao casino that they’ll probably tell the CIA or something and then we’ll really be fucked.

Says that Big Choe been replaced as Ambassador to China, too.

And that Little Choe ain’t gonna be my military attach√© no more.

Says they both fucked up big time when they agreed to let me come with them, yo. The old man says they paying the price for my incompetence.

He ask me how that feels, yo. And how it feels to be gonna lead the whole Korean people to ruin, yo. And how it feel to be as big a fuck up as my fat fuck brother Jong-Nam, yo.

I say I’s just glad we not gonna have to watch pornos together again. That was hella creepy last time.

This joint for my nigga Little Choe, yo. I sure hope you like digging coal or being a laboratory experiment or whatever else they be got you doin’. Even though you gone we still a team…

Those southern fagz in Chump Corea are up to it again. Trying to style all over us Real Choson niggaz, yo.

This time they be offering those Chilean miners a free holiday in that shit hole US leper colony of they’s.

Man, fuck that shit.

Yo, Chile Dawgs – Come par-tay with tha Fresh Prince of Pyongyang, y’all!!!

We got better weed and better hookers up in this Democratic Peoples Joint than those wannabes in the South could ever dream of, yo.

And we can even take you on a tour of our sweet ass mines, yo.

You be loving that shit, yo. Check it:

The March 5 Youth Mine, located at the northern tip of Korea, has undergone a radical change. … Ore mining, transport, crushing, flotation and all other processes have been put on the CNC basis with the miners just monitoring equipment, free from injurious labor. …The mine’s night view is also fantastic, with a mess hall, sanatorium and cultural centre decorated with electric lights blending in with brightly lit dwelling houses. When visiting the mine some time ago, General Secretary Kim Jong Il commanded a bird’s eye view of the mine and said it was a fairyland in the Songun era.

You hear that, homies? It a fairyland, yo. But that ain’t mean it ain’t all manly and shit. It just be all scientific and shit – that the CNC shit, yo. That be my thang right there, yo. That tha shit what tha J-Unit be cooking, yo. Remember tha C&C Music Factory, yo? That my joint right there, yo. That be tha inspiration that be inspiring me, yo.

Anyway, you niggaz probably be loving it so much in that fairyland mine of ours you’ll prolly just wanna stay there forever. That cool with us, yo.

Big news, y’all.

Tha Fresh Prince of Pyongyang’s favourite Round Eyed Afriniggaz be coming atcha with some sweet ass joints next week.

Die Antwoord be tha dopest shit on that dark ass continent that ain’t the missiles and blunt ass machetes we sold to those rebels in the Congo in return for all that mad bling a year or so back, yo.

I think this joint Evil Boy be all about the J-Unit, yo.

Check it. Tha 4 STAR G be in negotiations via my nigga Major Choe to get this joint released here in Azya thru my Yongbyon Records.

Yolandi some weird ass lokking bitch. Still, in the dark ass alleys of Hanoi and Rangoon, the J-Unit fucked stranger looking chicks. There be rumours for mad years now that Ri Chun Il, one of my alt niggaz on the Central Committee once fucked an Orangutan. We sent that crazy ass muthafucka to Indonesia to try to get those fez-wearing fucks to buy some of our missiles to shoot at those Round Eye chumps Ausfalia. He didn’t sell any missiles, but Choe said he heard from his friend in the miliary front company in Macao that Ri fucked the monkey. Said there be some myth it makes you all virile and shit. The Fresh Prince’s seed be pure, so fuck that shit, maaan.

One love Afrika.

– K to tha J to tha muthafucking U

I ain’t gonna lie to all y’all. Famous got its rewards, yo.

Check out all the famous muthafuckas that be friending me on MySpace, yo.

Dre. Snoop. Fiddy. Even that Round Eye chump James Blunt be giving props to the Brilliant Comrade.

Soulja Boy and Timbaland, too. Funny, see, because that boy Tell ‘Em was too busy to pick the phone when Major Choe be ringing him to get his ass over here to spit with the J-Unit at the meeting. The J-Unit famous, he be all adding me and shit. We be calling chumps like that fair weather niggaz, you feel me?

You can all add the 4 STAR G too, even if you ain’t famous or hot. I mean, James Blunt did.

I can’t even tell y’all some of the shit bitches be saying to me after seeing me on every news program and website and newspaper in the whole fucking world, yo. They be suspending this account if I printed some of that shit. Ha ha.

Here be an real old skool – like black and white old skool – joint by my nigga Planet Asia. Shows you how backwards they are in the USA, yo. We haven’t had black and white tv in Real Korea since the late 1980s. He be all about the Mother Ship and shit. Major Choe, he be into that Five Percenter game. Getting blunted mostly, but math, too. You know they all about the Mother Ship that be coming to fuck up the Round Eyes. I think they be talking about me, yo.

Yo, it’s the 4 Star G y’all!

I got big love and mad props to send out to all my niggaz appointed and reappointed to the Central Committee of the Korean Workers Party:

Kim Jong Il, Kang Nung Su, Kang Tong Yun, Kang Sok Ju, Kang Phyo Yong, Kang Yang Mo, Ko Pyong Hyon, Kim Kuk Thae, Kim Kyong Hui, Kim Kyong Ok, Kim Ki Nam, Kim Ki Ryong, Kim Rak Hui, Kim Myong Guk, Kim Pyong Ryul, Kim Pyong Ho, Kim Song Dok, Kim Song Chol, Kim Jong Gak, Kim Jong Suk, Kim Jong Im, Kim Chang Sop, Kim Chol Man, Kim Chun Sam, Kim Thae Bong, Kim Phyong Hae, Kim Hyong Ryong, Kim Hyong Sik, Kim Hi Thaek, Kim Yang Gon, Kim Yong Nam, Kim Yong Chun, Kim Yong Il, Kim Yong Chol, Kim Yong Jin, Kim In Sik, Kim Won Hong, Kwak Pom Gi, Ryang Man Gil, Ryo Chun Sok, Ro Tu Chol, Ro Pae Gwon, Ryu Yong Sop, Ri Ryong Nam, Ri Man Gon, Ri Myong Su, Ri Mu Yong, Ri Pyong Sam, Ri Pyong Chol, Ri Pong Dok, Ri Pong Juk, Ri Thae Nam, Ri Hyong Gun, Ri Hi Hon, Ri Yong Gil, Ri Yong Su, Ri Yong Ho, Ri Yong Mu, Ri Yong Hwan, Ri Yong Chol, Ri Ul Sol, Rim Kyong Man, Mun Kyong Dok, Pak Kwang Chol, Pak To Chun, Pak Myong Chol, Pak Su Gil, Pak Sung Won, Pak Jong Sun, Pak Jong Gun, Pak Jae Gyong, Pak Thae Dok, Pak Ui Chun, Pyon Yong Rip, Pyon In Son, Paek Se Bong, Song Ja Rip, Jang Pyong Gyu, Jang Song Thaek, Jang Chol, Jon Kil Su, Jon Ryong Guk, Jon Pyong Ho, Jon Jin Su, Jon Chang Bok, Jon Ha Chol, Jon Hui Jong, Jong Myong Do, Jong Ho Gyun, Jong In Guk, Jo Kyong Chol, Jo Myong Rok, Jo Pyong Ju, Ju Kyu Chang, Ju Sang Song, Ju Yong Sik, Cha Sung Su, Chae Hui Jong, Choe Kyong Song, Choe Ryong Hae, Choe Pu Il, Choe Sang Ryo, Choe Thae Bok, Choe Hui Jong, Choe Yong Dok, Choe Yong Rim, Thae Jong Su, Han Kwang Bok, Han Tong Gun, Hyon Chol Hae, Hyon Yong Chol, Hong Sok Hyong, Hong In Bom, An Jong Su, Yang Tong Hun, Yang Hyong Sop, O Kuk Ryol, O Kum Chol, O Su Yong, O Il Jong, U Tong Chuk, Yun Tong Hyon and Yun Jong Rin.

Except for you, Kwak Pom Gi. Fuck you, you chump ass punk. I saw you cut me off last month in the carpark outside the basketball stadium before the game between April 25 and the Navy in that piece of shit rusted ass Hafei minivan you drive. Fuck you man, you can suck my dick.

Big ups to my alt niggaz, the alternative members of the CC:

Kang Ki Sop, Kang Kwan Ju, Kang Kwan Il, Kang Min Chol, Kang Hyong Bong, Ko Su Il, Kim Kyok Sik, Kim Kye Gwan, Kim Tong Un, Kim Tong Il, Kim Tong I, Kim Tong Il, Kim Myong Sik, Kim Pyong Hun, Kim Pong Ryong, Kim Chang Myong, Kim Chon Ho, Kim Chung Gol, Kim Thae Mun, Kim Hui Yong, Kim Yong Suk, Kim Yong Jae, Kim Yong Ho, Kim Yong Gwang, Kim U Ho, Kwon Hyok Bong, No Kwang Chol, Tong Jong Ho, Tong Yong Il, Ryom In Yun, Ro Kyong Jun, Ro Song Sil, Ryu Kyong, Ri Kuk Jun, Ri Ki Su, Ri Myong Gil, Ri Min Chol, Ri Sang Gun, Ri Song Gwon, Ri Su Yong, Ri Jong Sik, Ri Jae Il, Ri Je Son, Ri Chan Hwa, Ri Chang Han, Ri Chol, Ri Chun Il, Ri Thae Sop, Ri Thae Chol, Ri Hong Sop, Ri Hi Su, Ri Yong Ju, Ri Yong Ho, Ri Il Nam, Pak Ri Sun, Pak Pong Ju, Pak Chang Bom, Paek Kye Ryong, Paek Ryong Chon, So Tong Myong, Son Chong Nam, Song Kwang Chol, Sin Sung Hun, Jang Myong Hak, Jang Yong Gol, Jang Ho Chan, Jon Kyong Son, Jon Kwang Rok, Jon Song Ung, Jon Chang Rim, Jong Myong Hak, Jong Pong Phil, Jong Pong Gun, Jong Un Hak, Jo Song Hwan, Jo Jae Yong, Jo Yong Chol, Ji Jae Ryong, Cha Kyong Il, Cha Jin Sun, Cha Yong Myong, Choe Ki Ryong, Choe Kwan Jun, Choe Tae Il, Choe Pong Ho, Choe Chan Gon, Choe Chun Sik, Choe Hyon, Choe Yong Do, Choe Yong, Thae Hyong Chol, Han Chang Nam, Han Chang Sun, Han Hung Phyo, Ho Song Gil, Hyon Sang Ju, Hong Kwang Sun, Hong So Hon, Hong Sung Mu, Hwang Pyong So, Hwang Sun Hui, Hwang Hak Won, An Tong Chun, Yang In Guk and O Chol San

Except for Jon Song Ung, Ryom In Yung and Song Kwang Chol. What you ever done for the Brilliant Comrade, yo? You ain’t done shit for me you freeloading pussyass faggits. Hong So Hon, he my nigga, I know I can count on him, yo. I got mad love for my bro Jang Myong Hak. But I see you ignoring me in the lunch canteen. I see you whispering shit to eachother when I walk past. Fuck y’all haters I got plenty of friends. Fuck all y’all.

Nas and tha Junior Gong Comin’ atcha. This joint be for you Cha Jin Sun, I know you lovin’ on Nas.

– One Love, niggaz.

Worst Chuseok Ever, Yo

Posted: 2010EPMR +0000September UTC18PM J+0000418 in bitches, Chuseok, DPRK, joints, Kim Il-Sung, Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un, North Korea

The J-Unit pissed off, yo.

This be the worst Chuseok ever, yo.

Last year me and Captain Cha – he be doing Major Choe’s job before Major Choe be doing it – we went to Japan. We was fucking Filipinos at the Toyoko Inn in Hamamatsu, yo.

This year I didn’t go nowhere, yo.

Well. That ain’t true. I had to go off to give mad props to gramps, Kim Il-Sung. He my nigga and all, don’t get me wrong, but I’d rather be fucking Filipino hoes that honouring the ancestors, know what I mean?

The Old Man came too. He didn’t say much too me. He’s still mad about how I put him in the hospital and shit.

He was like, “this is how you repay me?”

And I be like, “yo, I said I’s sorry, yo.”

Man. He gonna be pissed for a while, I think. I was like, “cut a nigga some slack, yo. It was mostly Choe’s fault, anyway.” But he didn’t say anything.

Still, we got KFC for dinner so that’s something.

Here be some Snoop and Dre for y’all.

Mad love to all my Choson Niggaz on Chuseok, yo!