Archive for the ‘food’ Category

Yo, tha J-Unit about to take a little trip, yo.

South of tha border down Chump Corea way.

I got some shit to sort out with those haters working at the Chosun Ilbo, yo.

First they be getting all up in tha J niggaz shit by reporting on the porn stash we got going up here. That be setting off a chain of events in my life I rather be forgetting, yo. For real.

Now they repeating bullshit lies and hating from some chump ass farmers from Hamgyong-Pukyo talking shit about tha 4 STAR G.

Ha. Now y’all be knowing why we be testing our nukes all up in that shit hole.

Check it:

Another source from North Hamgyong Province said the federation of farmers passed out material praising Kim Jong-un’s skills and urging farmers to create a new agricultural revolution under his guidance. “The material described an inspection trip by Kim Jong-il and Kim Jong-un to an agricultural commune in 2008, where the younger Kim surprised experts by spontaneously coming up with a microbial fertilizer that could improve the quality of soil,” the source said, and claimed farmers who used it were able to “miraculously” harvest 15 tons of wheat per 9,917 sq. m of farmland. “Farmers who read the material laughed at it, saying if it was true Kim Jong-un could solve the North’s food shortage simply by stepping on all the farms in the country, so all they’d have to worry about is how to dispose of the excess amount of food next year,” the source said.

Man, that source can suck my dick. That story be 100% true.

For real. Check it.

This was back in the old school days back when I first started kicking it with tha old man on these tours around chicken farms and shit – and not tha fake tours that he be making up and the KCNA be reporting on so he have an excuse not to watch my stylin’ on the bball court, yo, these was tha for real chicken farm tours.

So we be meeting these chump ass farmers and be all like, “wot up, nigga? Tha K to tha J to tha muthafucking U checking in, yo! How tha fuck you be doing growing food all up in this place?”

And they be all like, “it ain’t so good, yo. Weasels and shit be all eating our food, yo and it be growing all real small and shit.”

And I be like, “yo, fuck that shit, dawg. When we was growing weed in my dorm back in Switzerland, my roomie and me be using this bat shit fertilizer stuff to be making that shit grow. Maaan, that be some of tha strongest fucking weed I ever be smoking, yo.”

So I say to the old man, “yo, what these field niggaz be needing is some grade-a bat guano, yo. We can prolly send a soldier off to Dandong to buy some of that shit or just get it off the internet like I did in Switzerland, yo.”

So that be tha story all about how the J-Unit saved Christmas for tha field niggers all up in Hamgyong-Pukyo, yo, so fuck those haters.

You know tha 4 STAR G, yo.

He be all love and giving all the time.

Like my big ups the other day to my choson fagz.

But when tha J-Unit gonna get some love back, yo?

I be sick of fucking skinny ass hookers all tha time, yo.

It time for a deep and meaningful relationship between equals.

Yeah, I’s talking about you, Kim Kardashian.

What tha fuck, bitch?

You don’t return my calls or my letters.

And now you won’t even add me on MySpace?

What tha fuck, yo?

Who be all defending you when Wolfowitz saying you just a fat ass mud shark, yo?

We be pulling out of the 6 party talks over that disrespeck to tha Kim family, yo.

And bitch, where tha love back?

I been suppoting you when no one be supporting you, yo. We’s family, bitch.

I made every muthafucka in my class at Kim Il-Sung Military College buy a copy of that romantic comedy movie you made with Ray J.

I fucking made them, yo.

Some of those niggas be all like, “but it cost 2 months wages, yo”. But I fucking made them.

One nigga I sent to the coal mines when I caught him trying to download that joint illegally off the internet.

I even bought those chump ass salads you be advertising. We used half our foreign currency reserves on the delivery charges, yo.

But what a cousin for be what I’m asking?

So where the fucking love, yo?

Bitch, I can wait.

But check it: I ain’t gonna wait forever, yo.

Finally the J-Unit be getting his props, yo.

All around the world the Choson Nigga Number 1, the 4 Star Muthafucking G be on the front page of newspapers and websites and shit.

Everyone be like, “yo, who this nigga styling in the black like Darth Vader, yo?”

But some muthafuckas gotta be hating, yo.

Some muthafuckas gotta be spreading lies and shit about the Brilliant Comrade, yo.

Like that chump ass round eye faggit Evan Ramstad from the Wall Street Journal.

Nigga be saying the J-Unit all “chubby cheeked”. Check it:

Chubby-cheeked and unsmiling, the younger Kim wears a dark suit that looks similar to his father’s well-known khaki track suit.

LOL, amiright? Chump ass faggit don’t even know I’s rocking tha FUBU Fat Albert brand business apparel.

And chubby-cheeked? Get real, nigga. I had a Snickers in my mouth when they took my picture, yo. Even some skinny ass wirey mutafucka – like my nigga Snoop – even Snoop be looking all chubby-cheeked and shit you snap that nigga when he got a Snickers in his mouth, yo.

Fuck these dumbass round eyes.

I mean, do I talk shit about Ramstad? Saying he a dumbass round eyes and bald and wearing glasses and shit?

He look like my science teacher from back when I was in Switzerland, yo. Except that nigga had better fashion sense, you feel me?

But is the 4 Star G talking shit about Ramstad?

That nigga be hating but I got one love for all the Round Eyes, yo.

Cycle of hatred not gonna get a nigga nowhere. Just ask my dead ass nigga 2Pac about that, yo.

– K to tha J to tha muthafucking U checking out.

Lemme get something straight with y’all before I explain the latest ruckus, yo.

I am a reasoable nigga, you dig?

For real. Ask any muthafucka around here. “Jong-Un? Yeah, he a resonable nigga” they all be saying. Some be saying that I’s too reasonable. “You the Morningstar General, yo! Yo wanna be everyone’s friend and we all love you and shit. Yo, we should be fearing you more.”

Did I ever smack a bitch ‘cept if she was asking for it, yo? No I did not. Did I ever step to a muthafucka ‘cept if he be disresptful to me or the Party or the Eternal & Indivisible Motherland, yo? No I did not. Did I ever glock a nigga ‘cept if he be fucking with the peaceful reunification of the motherland or getting all up in my shit that he don’t got no business getting all up in, yo? No I did not.

Then why every goddamn muthafucking chef up in this goddamn muthafucking country be fucking up my scotch eggs every morning, yo?

I’m trying not to lose my head here, yo, but these fucking chefs be getting me so fucking mad that sometimes I think I just wanna explode.

It ain’t like these muthafucking chefs been kidnapped and forced to cook for us or nuttin’. We stopped doing that shit back in the early ’80s. Old skool. They all being paid and shit. They be the best fucking chefs the won can buy, yo. It be an honour to come and cook for the Old Man and his family, yo.

So why they fuck up the breadcrumbs all the fucking time?

If I told these chump ass bitches once, I told them a thousand times, yo. Make the breadcrumbs on the fuckign scotch eggs just like the breadcrumbs on the fucking KFC chicken nuggets.

I even had Choe arrange to have a bucket of fucking nuggets brought down from the KFC in Dandong for these faggits to study so they could get it right. But did they get it right? No they did not.

For real. Choe say that sending all of them to work in the coal mines isn’t gonna help them make better bread crumbs. Maybe he be right. There’s only one way to find out though.

– Tha K to tha J to tha Muthafucking U checking out, yo.

Where My Pizza At You SoShi Bitches?

Posted: 2010EPMR +0000September UTC22PM J+0000422 in bitches, DPRK, food, Kim Jong-Un, Macao, North Korea, SNSD, weed

Yo wassup? J-Unit be chillin’ and just waiting for this bigass storm to pass and for Choe to make his slowass slacker way back from Macao. I wonder what he gonna bring back in his diplomat bag? Knowing him it just be weed and porno, man. That’s why I love that nigga, yo. Not like a faggot, like a bro, you know what I’m sayin?

So I’m getting all hungry and shit cos all the waitors be out fixing shit from the storm and ain’t no one here to cook me nothing. And so I’m thinking I should get me a pizza.

And I’m thinking I should get those hotass bitches from SoShi to come deliver my pizza, yo.

This punkass on the phone be all sniggering and shit when I ring ’em up. I gonna have to lit that nigga up my pizza don’t get here soon.

– Check yo’self.

– *K* 2tha *J* 2thamuthafuking *U*

– Pizza out, Niggaaaaa!

Beijing SucksĀ Ass

Posted: 2010EPMR +0000August UTC15PM J+0000215 in bitches, bling, China, computers, DPRK, food, Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un, North Korea, SNSD, Star Craft
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So I got back last week from Beijing with my old man and some of his old fart army buddies.

They wanted me to meet some of their Chink army dudes. I went to all these fucking meetings where they just talked on and on about sinking boats and grain deliveries and the fucking Yankees and shit.

Beijing sucks ass, too. All those fucking lights hurt my eyes. I was walking around like after an all night Star Craft session with my team – Team Jong-Un.

In Pyongyang we know to turn the lights out at night. We gotta so those pussyass faggot yankees can’t know where the city is to blow it up and bomb it and shit.

They think we’re just these dumbass bitches but we’s smart like that. Man. I see Seoul all lit up at night and shit and I’m like man, I’m gonna lit that muthafucka up so bad one day and this bitch is all like fuck yeah, J-U.

Beijing is full of round-eyes too. Fuck I hate the round-eyes. We’ll sort those fucks out soon. Lit ’em up like Seoul, yeaaaah.

I got this pretty sweet blinged watch off this nigga at a market but. Pretty cheap too.

Dad says its important the image I’m gonna present when I start to meet with the round-eyes and those pussyass choson bitches in the south and shit.

Round-eye motherfuckers gotta know a guy with a blinging Rollecks is for real, amiright?

Wasn’t all bad, though.

Chink bitches are pretty hot. I told this general guy to go kidnap that Zhang Ziyi bitch and he said he would.

That was the best shit gramps used to do. Kidnapping all these Jap actresses and models and shit.

Jap bitches are cash, dawg.

Also, we got free internet at this hotel we stayed at. The Beijing Nanyuan Airport Holiday Inn Express. Man I was so fucking stuffing myself at that breakfast buffet I could hardly walk back to my room, man.

It’s fucking tiny compared to this bigass hotel we got in Pyongyang – biggest fucking hotel in the world, boyeee. Better believe it. We got the Presidential Suite. It was pretty sweet.

See what I did there faggot?

So I FINALLY got these patches to Win95 that sort out most of the crashes and shit. Those military fucks are gonna be so jealous when I get back and their airforce computers are still all crashing and shit and I’m there styling on Star Craft.

I also ate like a fucking ton of those prawn crackers. Dad said I could take a train carriage full back with me if I promised not to talk about Star Craft or SoShi in front of the Chinks. Those bitches are so hot.

Anyway, turns out when we got back it turns out that all the crackers was all soggy.

Dad said we couldn’t send the general to the coal mines because we needed him to fight the yankees and the southern faggots.

So we just killed the dumbass train dude who let that fucking shit happen and FUCKED UP MY WHOLE DAY.

Later nigga.

Peace out,

– Jong-Un