Archive for the ‘DPRK’ Category

Rare that the J-UNIT issue an apology, yo. The BRILLIANT COMRADE not be normally in tha bidness of making mistakes is why.

But when I fuck shit up, the 4 STAR G be man enough to own up to his fuck ups.

So check it:

I’s sorry that I started shooting at you Chump Corea soldiers in Gangwon yesterday. I fucked up, y’all. I wasn’t trying to start nothing. I just thought I saw tha Hobgoblin.

You know, from Spider-Man.

And, ok, yeah, I had been drinking. And, ok, yeah, I was also fucked up on ‘shrooms. And, ok, yeah, our subsequent investigations have shown conclusively that y’all weren’t tha Hobgoblin. And, ok. yeah, turns out also that you weren’t laughing at me because my girl Kim Kardashian won’t friend me on MySpace and calling me a punk ass powerpoint.

It just sure as shit look like that be what happening, yo.

I want y’all to appreciate that in tha spirit of the peaceful reunification of the muthaland and shit that I’ve made a promise to myself that next time I go on a tour of the military posts along the DMZ to visit our brave soldiers who somehow fucked up really bad or pissed off some Party Official or whatever and got they chump asses assigned to the front line cannonfodder defense, I will be absolutely 100% sober.

Cross my heart, y’all.

On the upside the old man didn’t hardly yell at me at all. He just said, “what would be tha point?” and asked when I was leaving for my holiday.

Could have been a lot worse, y’all.

J-Unit be pissed off tonight. Pissed off for real.

I be reading about Iran giving mad cash to the Afghans, yo. (oh and tha 4 STAR G be loving the Guardian, yo, Charlie Brooker my nigga – Nathan Barley be based on tha K to tha J to tha muthafucking U if that KJU be a Round Eyes, yo.)

This be the same Afghans that be conspiring with tha Saudis to be cheating us out of our weed and cash and stealing our nukes and be talking all shit to my girl Kim Kardashian and having her not be adding me on MySpace and shit, first of all.

Second of all, they ain’t even in tha club. They ain’t part of the Axis of Evil. They just some weed-growing bumpkins, yo.

Iran never gave me shit, yo. We be getting mad love from Cuba. China be loving on us too – when they ain’t confiscating the nukes we accidently be leaving in theys casinos. But we ain’t got shit from Iran.

So this my message, yo – gimme what I want or I’ll get it where I can.

We’s lonely up in this democratic peoples muthafucker, man.

Anyway, this my boy Ayatollah – he know where tha love at, not like that other Ayatollah that chump ass cheapskate.

A big weekend for the 4 STAR G, yo.

Went down in Macao with my homie Major Choe and his dad, the Ambassador to China Pyong-Gwan, or Big Choe as I call him, on Friday.

You know we be running out of that weed that we be exchanging those nuclear weapons parts with tha Afghan Al Qaeda punx for, yo? It was time for Round 2. But Choe’s dad be saying we also needing mad cash from those punx, too. Says the peaceful reunification of the Korean Peninsula under the enlightened leadership of Kim Jong-Il, and with fidelity to the doctrines of Juche and Songun ain’t gonna pay for itself, yo.

It was all sorted, yo.

Me and Major Choe and Major Choe’s dad was supposed to meet with this Saudi businessman in the private gaming room number 47A of the MGM Grand Macao casino.

It was all going to plan, too.

We’s sitting there drinking our Monkey Gland cocktails when tha sandnigga walks in.

That be when tha trouble starts, yo.

Ok, maybe like my dad be saying when I got home this morning and told him my side of the dialectical equation that it all started to go to shit after my fifth Monkey Gland. Maybe.

Anyway, the sandnigga walks in and he go all like, “I am here on behalf of the Foreign Minister, his Highness Prince Saud al-Faisal.”

That when I lose it, yo.

They punked me, yo.

Prince Saud al-Faisal?  He tha same guy that be talking all shit to my girl Kim Kardashian and telling her not to be friending me on MySpace and shit. He tha same guy I’s gonna nuke at tha G20 if she don’t add me, yo!

They punking me, yo!

So I say “no way man! No way I gonna be punked like this and be giving this warhead over to some representative of that chump, yo.” I be like, “check it, we out of here. We ain’t being punked like some punk ass punks, yo. We gone, man, we fucking gone, yo.”

And the Saudi be all like “we got a deal” and shit as if he ain’t just there to punk me, yo.

So I don’t really know but some how we all be getting into a fight until security be coming to separate us.

Big Choe be explaining how he a very important person and he got immunity and shit. So when he and Little Choe be stopping the security guards from looking in the diplomatic bag with the warhead in it, that’s when I made a run for it, yo.

Man I never run so fast in my life. Except that time that me and Little Choe be running away from the head of the Central Bank after I be all hitting on his daughter.

Man, they was good times…

So I got back to the hotel we be at, tha Best Western Sun Sun, and I be calling Little Choe on his phone, but there be no answer, yo.

I keep blowing that chump up for like a half an hour but there still no answer.

So I be all like, “fuck it, nigga think he too good to party with the J-Unit, I’ll have my own party, yo” and I went to find me some hookers.

So when I get back to Pyongyang this morning, some army chumps waiting at the airport. They take me straight to my dad’s pad. I’s thinking he’s gonna wanna watch more dirty movies, but it ain’t like that. Luckily, all it be is that Big Choe and Little Choe were kicked out of Macao and ain’t never allowed back.

The old man told me that we had to pay the Chinese a whole lot of money to cover up the fact that we left a nuclear warhead in the casino. Says they ain’t gonna give it back, neither. Says they be saying we can’t be trusted and we fucked up bad this time. Says he be saying that peaceful nuclear development be the birthright of the Korean nation, yo, but they still say they not giving it back.

He also be saying that if the MGM headquarters find out what we did in their Macao casino that they’ll probably tell the CIA or something and then we’ll really be fucked.

Says that Big Choe been replaced as Ambassador to China, too.

And that Little Choe ain’t gonna be my military attaché no more.

Says they both fucked up big time when they agreed to let me come with them, yo. The old man says they paying the price for my incompetence.

He ask me how that feels, yo. And how it feels to be gonna lead the whole Korean people to ruin, yo. And how it feel to be as big a fuck up as my fat fuck brother Jong-Nam, yo.

I say I’s just glad we not gonna have to watch pornos together again. That was hella creepy last time.

This joint for my nigga Little Choe, yo. I sure hope you like digging coal or being a laboratory experiment or whatever else they be got you doin’. Even though you gone we still a team…

Those southern fagz in Chump Corea are up to it again. Trying to style all over us Real Choson niggaz, yo.

This time they be offering those Chilean miners a free holiday in that shit hole US leper colony of they’s.

Man, fuck that shit.

Yo, Chile Dawgs – Come par-tay with tha Fresh Prince of Pyongyang, y’all!!!

We got better weed and better hookers up in this Democratic Peoples Joint than those wannabes in the South could ever dream of, yo.

And we can even take you on a tour of our sweet ass mines, yo.

You be loving that shit, yo. Check it:

The March 5 Youth Mine, located at the northern tip of Korea, has undergone a radical change. … Ore mining, transport, crushing, flotation and all other processes have been put on the CNC basis with the miners just monitoring equipment, free from injurious labor. …The mine’s night view is also fantastic, with a mess hall, sanatorium and cultural centre decorated with electric lights blending in with brightly lit dwelling houses. When visiting the mine some time ago, General Secretary Kim Jong Il commanded a bird’s eye view of the mine and said it was a fairyland in the Songun era.

You hear that, homies? It a fairyland, yo. But that ain’t mean it ain’t all manly and shit. It just be all scientific and shit – that the CNC shit, yo. That be my thang right there, yo. That tha shit what tha J-Unit be cooking, yo. Remember tha C&C Music Factory, yo? That my joint right there, yo. That be tha inspiration that be inspiring me, yo.

Anyway, you niggaz probably be loving it so much in that fairyland mine of ours you’ll prolly just wanna stay there forever. That cool with us, yo.

Yo, tha J-Unit about to take a little trip, yo.

South of tha border down Chump Corea way.

I got some shit to sort out with those haters working at the Chosun Ilbo, yo.

First they be getting all up in tha J niggaz shit by reporting on the porn stash we got going up here. That be setting off a chain of events in my life I rather be forgetting, yo. For real.

Now they repeating bullshit lies and hating from some chump ass farmers from Hamgyong-Pukyo talking shit about tha 4 STAR G.

Ha. Now y’all be knowing why we be testing our nukes all up in that shit hole.

Check it:

Another source from North Hamgyong Province said the federation of farmers passed out material praising Kim Jong-un’s skills and urging farmers to create a new agricultural revolution under his guidance. “The material described an inspection trip by Kim Jong-il and Kim Jong-un to an agricultural commune in 2008, where the younger Kim surprised experts by spontaneously coming up with a microbial fertilizer that could improve the quality of soil,” the source said, and claimed farmers who used it were able to “miraculously” harvest 15 tons of wheat per 9,917 sq. m of farmland. “Farmers who read the material laughed at it, saying if it was true Kim Jong-un could solve the North’s food shortage simply by stepping on all the farms in the country, so all they’d have to worry about is how to dispose of the excess amount of food next year,” the source said.

Man, that source can suck my dick. That story be 100% true.

For real. Check it.

This was back in the old school days back when I first started kicking it with tha old man on these tours around chicken farms and shit – and not tha fake tours that he be making up and the KCNA be reporting on so he have an excuse not to watch my stylin’ on the bball court, yo, these was tha for real chicken farm tours.

So we be meeting these chump ass farmers and be all like, “wot up, nigga? Tha K to tha J to tha muthafucking U checking in, yo! How tha fuck you be doing growing food all up in this place?”

And they be all like, “it ain’t so good, yo. Weasels and shit be all eating our food, yo and it be growing all real small and shit.”

And I be like, “yo, fuck that shit, dawg. When we was growing weed in my dorm back in Switzerland, my roomie and me be using this bat shit fertilizer stuff to be making that shit grow. Maaan, that be some of tha strongest fucking weed I ever be smoking, yo.”

So I say to the old man, “yo, what these field niggaz be needing is some grade-a bat guano, yo. We can prolly send a soldier off to Dandong to buy some of that shit or just get it off the internet like I did in Switzerland, yo.”

So that be tha story all about how the J-Unit saved Christmas for tha field niggers all up in Hamgyong-Pukyo, yo, so fuck those haters.

I got some bad news, some good news, and some weird news, y’all.

Check it.

Y’all know how I was majorly pissed as the Chump Corea newspaper Chosun Ilbo for printing that story about the big ass porn stash we got going up here, yo? Cos you know how I was worried that my dad might find out and yell at me and call me a no good punk like he always do – or worse, confiscate it.

Well. It kinda happened. Just not in tha way I be expecting, yo.

Check it.

I guess one of his generals must read tha Chump Corea news because early this morning, like 10 o’clock, I had these soldiers knocking on my bedroom door.

I opened it and they be all like, “where is the porn, General Kim?”

And I’m like, “nigga, wot? There ain’t no porn here. That Jong-Nam’s thang, it ain’t mine. I just read the essays of the Great Leader, gramps, and Enver Hoxha and shit.”

Then they be all like, “with all greatest respect and deference, o Morningstar General, give up the porn, bitch.”

So I go get the box of tapes and magazines – but not my copy of my girl Kim Kardashian’s movie, yo. Yo, I don’t care that she my cousin, I would hit that shit so hard.

They say, “get dressed and come with us.”

They be putting me in the back of a army jeep and we be driving to my dad’s Pyongyang pad. I know this ain’t gonna be good, yo. For real – the old man don’t even want to see me normally unless it some special occasion like a parade or Chuseok or those bridge nights that Sul-Song organizes, cos then he has to.

So I know this gonna be bad, yo.

The soldiers take me to the foyer of dad’s pad and talk to some nigga on tha phone. Then they be taking me down some stairs to the basement – that a place that we never was allowed to go as younguns, yo. Everyone be always saying to me, “yo, keep out of tha basement, Jong-Un. Your old man a very important nigga and he be working down there for tha good of tha Korean people and the peaceful reunification of tha muthaland and the furtherance of the Juche ideal” and shit.

So I ain’t ashamed to say I be messing myself worse than tha first time I be seeing one of those SNSD joints, yo. But in a bad way.

They knock on the door of this room and I hear this voice that sound like tha old man from inside go, “come in.”

The soldiers open the door for me and shove me inside. The close the door and I hear them walk away.

Inside it’s the old man, aiight.

He’s sitting on this grungy old couch in a North Korea football team tracksuit in a room full of shelves of videos and dvds and shit. He’s got a six pack of Taedonggang beer and a box of tissues.

He look at me and he go, “so you like fuck films, huh?”

And I be like, “no way, nigga! Those soldiers planted that shit in my room, yo! They agents of the South, yo, they be trying to undermine the Party, yo! We should kill them now before they can spread their lies to the masses!”

He grunts and shows me this old video tape. He goes, “you ever seen this one?”

It got all these round eyes in it with big hair and big tits. It look serious old school for real.

He say, “1970s Swedish pornography has never been beaten. It is timeless. Malmö Goddamn is a classic of that peerless era.”

I don’t know what to say, yo.

The old man go, “I watched this with my father. Now I will watch this with you. Sit.”

He crack open a beer and I sit on the other end of the couch.

He pushes some buttons on the remote control and the lights go all dim and this old movie screen comes down from the ceiling.  “Many of the directors were committed Communists,” he say. “Our comrades in the DDR made many fine fuck films, but there was something special about the Swedish adult film movement of that era. There was a combination of bold imagination and solid cinematic training that can only be described as a dialectical interplay of almost juche-orientated artistic production. Interestingly, many of the finest adult film makers of that era had trained in Leningrad; many of the cinematic techniques that we see in productions from Kinostudiya Lenfilm at that time are apparent in the Swedish fuck films of the era as well. The influence of Kheifets, in particular, is obvious.” He keep going on and on and on like this through most of the first half of the movie.

The he decide he wanna crack one off, yo.

I can’t say that it woulda been better to get sent to the coal mines – I sent a lot of niggaz there that prolly waiting for me and wanting to get all Malmö Goddamn on my ass.

I’m glad he ain’t mad at me, also. And I guess it’s kind of cool to be spending time with the old nigga, wot with he be all dying and shit. I can’t remember tha last time we spent more than five minutes in the room together without him telling me I’s a no good punk and gonna be tha ruin of the Kim family and the Juche ideal.

One thing I can say, yo, I sure as shit hope I never have to watch porn with my dad ever again.

Life ain’t easy for the Brilliant Comrade, yo.

I got all kinds of stress on me, yo.

I’m close to tha edge; I’m trying not to lose my head.

And then the Chump Corea newspaper Chosun Ilbo goes and fucks shit up by reporting about the porn stash we got going up here in the North.

Give a nigga a break, yo. I’s living a very stressful life.

I mean, what if my old man finds my stash? Big Ass Ebony Hunniez Volume 48 ain’t exactly juche-orientated democratic-proletarian culture to uplift the masses, you know. It sure be uplifting Jong-Un Junior if you know what I mean.

So fuck you, Chosun Ilbo. Why can’t you stick to reporting about sensible shit that actually gonna matter to a nigga – like your story about tha “human torpedoes” that we be apparently developing to blow your shit up with.

I rang all the military chumps I know and they don’t know nothing about that shit. Some of them thought it was a good idea, though. Major Choe thinks that nigga in the photo looks a bit like his room mate from his first year at the Kim Il-Sung Military Academy, except that nigga got posted to a diplomatic mission in Pakistan. And you know what that means, right? Yeah, he growing weed.