The J-Unit Be Crying On Tha Insidez, Yo

Posted: 2010EAMR +0000October UTC00AM J+000070 in DPRK, haters, Kim Jong-Un, North Korea, Round-Eyes, South Korea

I’m a hard ass nigga, yo. Ask anyone up in this democratic peoples muthafucaka and that be what they say.

You can’t play tha Fresh Prince of Pyongyang, yo. O you welcome to try, foo‘, but it ain’t gonna happen.

But this don’t mean tha J-Unit don’t got feelings, dawg.

It don’t mean tha 4 STAR MUTHAFUCKING G don’t emphathize, yo.

It don’t mean tha Choson Nigga Number 1 never got his heart all broke ass.

I be doing my national security review of what’s happening down south in that pussy ass “army” they got.

I find this story, yo. It be about a King.

Nigga, wot? you be all like. That ain’t so sad, you be thinking. But check it. Tha King and his half-a-round eyes Yanqui boi be all falling in love and shit, yo.

But last spring our weekly trips ended when the King started his two-year military service commitment. I watched as he made clumsy salutes from a haphazard formation. As he marched away, both he and his mother were crying, but I knew that I could not. Over the next two months we exchanged daily letters until reunion day, when the King’s parents filled his new army-issue dresser with extra clothes and packs of instant ramen, and he and I strained under our feigned platonic friendship.

In the weeks since, our relationship has been under greater suspicion. Despite being a soldier he has most weekends off, and we typically spend them together. When the King’s mom asked him three times why I didn’t have a girlfriend, each time he said I was too busy. Unsatisfied, she asked me the same question. Eventually she asked him if I was gay, but not if he was. A month later his sister confronted him about us and he reluctantly confirmed it. He had hoped she would be supportive. Instead, she threatened to tell their parents.

You see now, nigga? The J-Unit be crying on tha insidez after reading that, yo.

Tha King and tha Round Eyes, they just wanna be fags together and be in love and shit.

Like me and my cousin, Kim Kardashian. Some fools saying that be wrong. I say fuck those dumb ass chumps. It be all love, yo.

So tha J-Unit cool with fag love, yo. The deputy head of foreign asset management in the Central Bank who me and Choe be dealing with when we be dealing weed for weapons – or weapons for weed – my Nigga Yung-Gu, he be all faggy like that. It ain’t no thing. It no one;s business but they’s, or that tha way tha Fresh Prince sees it anyways.

Tha J-Unit got big non-fag love for all my Choson Fagz.

Tha J-Unit be all disappoint with my far-away Choson nigga in tha big ass Satan being all hatin’ on the fagz also.

That’s lame ass. Didn’t we learn nothin’ from Slim Shady and Elton, yo?

Check it, bitchez. I gone and subtitled this shit so you could learn you chump asses something.

– One love to all my fagz, yo!

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