Archive for October, 2010

“Drunk And Unhappy”

Posted: 2010EAMR +0000October UTC11AM J+0000611 in Uncategorized

I’m gonna hit tha road real soon, yo. Train to Dandong. Ryan Jet Dandong to Ulan Bator. Ulan Bator to Riga. Riga to some fuckhole called Luton. Luton to Mallorca. Mallorca to Tenerife. Tenerife to Goa. Goa to Macao. Macao to Busan.

Fucking hell, yo. 42 hours on Ryan Air. At least I can stock up on those smoke-free cigarettes they be selling.

Then I got two asses to be kicking in Gwangju. Massimiliano Gioni and some punk ass wannabe b-boy, then I’s up to Seoul to fuck up the Choson Ilbo for all that shit they saying about my porno, yo.

But first. Check it:

American soldier Charles Jenkins defected to North Korea in 1965, a decision he now describes as “the biggest mistake I ever made”. Jenkins, now 70, made the transition in 1965 when, drunk and unhappy, he crossed over from his post on the border. His Japanese wife, who had been abducted, was allowed to return home, but Jenkins was not. After considerable media attention the couple were reunited in 2004. They now live in Japan with their children.

Ha. Man. I spent like most of my adult life being all “drunk and unhappy” and shit. And I fucked up more’n my share of tha time, yo. But I ain’t never done nothing so dumb as to defect to North Korea, yo. I mean even if I wasn’t already up in this muthafucka, I mean.

Anyways, later bitchez.

And look out, Massimiliano Gioni, look out you punk…

Rare that the J-UNIT issue an apology, yo. The BRILLIANT COMRADE not be normally in tha bidness of making mistakes is why.

But when I fuck shit up, the 4 STAR G be man enough to own up to his fuck ups.

So check it:

I’s sorry that I started shooting at you Chump Corea soldiers in Gangwon yesterday. I fucked up, y’all. I wasn’t trying to start nothing. I just thought I saw tha Hobgoblin.

You know, from Spider-Man.

And, ok, yeah, I had been drinking. And, ok, yeah, I was also fucked up on ‘shrooms. And, ok, yeah, our subsequent investigations have shown conclusively that y’all weren’t tha Hobgoblin. And, ok. yeah, turns out also that you weren’t laughing at me because my girl Kim Kardashian won’t friend me on MySpace and calling me a punk ass powerpoint.

It just sure as shit look like that be what happening, yo.

I want y’all to appreciate that in tha spirit of the peaceful reunification of the muthaland and shit that I’ve made a promise to myself that next time I go on a tour of the military posts along the DMZ to visit our brave soldiers who somehow fucked up really bad or pissed off some Party Official or whatever and got they chump asses assigned to the front line cannonfodder defense, I will be absolutely 100% sober.

Cross my heart, y’all.

On the upside the old man didn’t hardly yell at me at all. He just said, “what would be tha point?” and asked when I was leaving for my holiday.

Could have been a lot worse, y’all.

Check it, yo –

California’s campaign to legalise marijuana received a major boost today with a $1m donation from billionaire financier and philanthropist George Soros.

The cash infusion, one week before Californians vote on a measure that would let anyone over 21 grow and possess up to an ounce of marijuana and allow local councils to tax sales of the drug, marks the first major investment by Soros in the mid-term elections.

Can you belive that shit, yo? Voting be for chumps, first of all. You won’t see tha J-UNIT lining up outside some polling booth to let some straight ass muthafucka in a suit be representing. Fuck that shit, yo.

But also – yo, Soros! Gimme a million dollars and I’ll legalize any fucking drug you want, man. For two million dollars, I’ll turn Kaesŏng into a fucking crack house, man. Junkies be coming from all around tha world to tha magic mountains that be all up there and shit.

Fuck those Yankees, man. The D to tha P to tha R to tha muthafucking K be open for business, nigga. Come check us out.

The J-UNIT gonna be taking a little study trip, yo.

Military Intelligence says I can’t say where – CHUMP KOREA & AUSFALIA!!! – and I sure as shit can’t say when – NEXT WEEK, Y’ALL!!! – but it’s gonna happen, yo.

Officially it’s like those trips around the country that my gramps, Kim Il-Sung used to take. The Korean Central News Agency be reporting on them all the time. They in story books and shit. They mostly about how he fought tha Japs and healed some leppers and made blind people see. With weed, I guess. Major Choe said weed be good for that. That before Choe got sent away.

Unofficially, though, the old man thinks it would be good for me to just get away from the stress and media attention and shit. It’s pretty intense. I can’t walk down the street without bitches being all throwing themselves at me and shit. Everyone wanting my autograph and advice on how to increase industrial or agricultural production by they reaffirming commitment to tha guiding principles of Juche and Songun and shit.

I’m pretty fucking excited, yo.

But I’s also pretty fucking pissed off as well.

Check it, I spent most of tha day on the Korean Air site trying to book my flights. Air Koryo banned me for life last year after I be glassing that chump ass faggit pilot who be telling the stewardesses to be 86ing me on tha small wines.

Not that I’d fly with those chumps ever again anyway. Check it – have you seen the fucking huge number of points a nigga be needing on the Air Koryo frequent flyer program for even an upgrade to business? It fucking crazy, yo. Fuck that shit man.

Problem is Korean Air weren’t accepting my DPRK Central Bank issued visa card and they refused my Banco Delta Asia AmEx. Same with Asiana, yo – they be to Korean Air what South Korea is to Real Korea, yo. It’s fucking crazyass, maaaan! Is my laundered money no good to you punks? We all know how poor Pussy Ass Korea is, yo. We all know it just a disease-infested American chump colony, yo. So why they be rejecting my money?

So my options basically be (1) cancel my holiday or (2) bite tha muthafucking bullet and get tha train to Dandong and take Ryan Air. So obviously I wanna cancel, rite?

Problem is tha old man say, no way I can just hanging around Pyongyang all winter. He say I either take the trip or I go do something “productive” with my time like take a course at Pyongyang Community College. Learn to speak Chinese or how to speed type or something.

So Ryan Air it is. Worse than Koryo, yo, but I can’t wait to get on tha road.

P.s. Look out Massimiliano Gioni – I wasn’t kidding when I said I was gonna fuck you up, you punk ass poseur.

P.p.s. So wanna fuck tha Korea Air error message cartoon bitch. So fucking hot, maaaaaan.

So fucking hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot

Fuck This H8R- Everyone Know Facebook For Chumps

Posted: 2010EPMR +0000October UTC19PM J+0000219 in Facebook, haters, MySpace

Yo, fuck this punk ass chump impersonating tha 4 STAR G on Facebook,

yohttp://www.facebook.com/pages/Kim-Jong-un/74400916361

That ain’t me. Everyone know that ain’t me, yo.

You know how we all know that ain’t me, yo?

Cos no way would the K to tha J to tha muthafucking U be on Facebook, yo.

Except to join just now to report that beeyatch for defaming me. Hater – you gonna get no where with your hating you hater ass punk.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001804267054

Facebook can suck my dick, yo. And that autistic fuck what be inventing it that they be making that movie all about. He can suck my dick too, yo. Fuck that shit.

MySpace tha J-Unit’s party, yo.

Check it. Where tha strippers on Facebook?

Where my DJs at? Where my wannabe gangstas and rappers and b-boys be all at up in that muthafucker, yo?

Facebook for chumps.

And Mister “http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kim-Jong-un/74400916361” nigga, you can suck my dick.

J-Unit be pissed off tonight. Pissed off for real.

I be reading about Iran giving mad cash to the Afghans, yo. (oh and tha 4 STAR G be loving the Guardian, yo, Charlie Brooker my nigga – Nathan Barley be based on tha K to tha J to tha muthafucking U if that KJU be a Round Eyes, yo.)

This be the same Afghans that be conspiring with tha Saudis to be cheating us out of our weed and cash and stealing our nukes and be talking all shit to my girl Kim Kardashian and having her not be adding me on MySpace and shit, first of all.

Second of all, they ain’t even in tha club. They ain’t part of the Axis of Evil. They just some weed-growing bumpkins, yo.

Iran never gave me shit, yo. We be getting mad love from Cuba. China be loving on us too – when they ain’t confiscating the nukes we accidently be leaving in theys casinos. But we ain’t got shit from Iran.

So this my message, yo – gimme what I want or I’ll get it where I can.

We’s lonely up in this democratic peoples muthafucker, man.

Anyway, this my boy Ayatollah – he know where tha love at, not like that other Ayatollah that chump ass cheapskate.

A big weekend for the 4 STAR G, yo.

Went down in Macao with my homie Major Choe and his dad, the Ambassador to China Pyong-Gwan, or Big Choe as I call him, on Friday.

You know we be running out of that weed that we be exchanging those nuclear weapons parts with tha Afghan Al Qaeda punx for, yo? It was time for Round 2. But Choe’s dad be saying we also needing mad cash from those punx, too. Says the peaceful reunification of the Korean Peninsula under the enlightened leadership of Kim Jong-Il, and with fidelity to the doctrines of Juche and Songun ain’t gonna pay for itself, yo.

It was all sorted, yo.

Me and Major Choe and Major Choe’s dad was supposed to meet with this Saudi businessman in the private gaming room number 47A of the MGM Grand Macao casino.

It was all going to plan, too.

We’s sitting there drinking our Monkey Gland cocktails when tha sandnigga walks in.

That be when tha trouble starts, yo.

Ok, maybe like my dad be saying when I got home this morning and told him my side of the dialectical equation that it all started to go to shit after my fifth Monkey Gland. Maybe.

Anyway, the sandnigga walks in and he go all like, “I am here on behalf of the Foreign Minister, his Highness Prince Saud al-Faisal.”

That when I lose it, yo.

They punked me, yo.

Prince Saud al-Faisal?  He tha same guy that be talking all shit to my girl Kim Kardashian and telling her not to be friending me on MySpace and shit. He tha same guy I’s gonna nuke at tha G20 if she don’t add me, yo!

They punking me, yo!

So I say “no way man! No way I gonna be punked like this and be giving this warhead over to some representative of that chump, yo.” I be like, “check it, we out of here. We ain’t being punked like some punk ass punks, yo. We gone, man, we fucking gone, yo.”

And the Saudi be all like “we got a deal” and shit as if he ain’t just there to punk me, yo.

So I don’t really know but some how we all be getting into a fight until security be coming to separate us.

Big Choe be explaining how he a very important person and he got immunity and shit. So when he and Little Choe be stopping the security guards from looking in the diplomatic bag with the warhead in it, that’s when I made a run for it, yo.

Man I never run so fast in my life. Except that time that me and Little Choe be running away from the head of the Central Bank after I be all hitting on his daughter.

Man, they was good times…

So I got back to the hotel we be at, tha Best Western Sun Sun, and I be calling Little Choe on his phone, but there be no answer, yo.

I keep blowing that chump up for like a half an hour but there still no answer.

So I be all like, “fuck it, nigga think he too good to party with the J-Unit, I’ll have my own party, yo” and I went to find me some hookers.

So when I get back to Pyongyang this morning, some army chumps waiting at the airport. They take me straight to my dad’s pad. I’s thinking he’s gonna wanna watch more dirty movies, but it ain’t like that. Luckily, all it be is that Big Choe and Little Choe were kicked out of Macao and ain’t never allowed back.

The old man told me that we had to pay the Chinese a whole lot of money to cover up the fact that we left a nuclear warhead in the casino. Says they ain’t gonna give it back, neither. Says they be saying we can’t be trusted and we fucked up bad this time. Says he be saying that peaceful nuclear development be the birthright of the Korean nation, yo, but they still say they not giving it back.

He also be saying that if the MGM headquarters find out what we did in their Macao casino that they’ll probably tell the CIA or something and then we’ll really be fucked.

Says that Big Choe been replaced as Ambassador to China, too.

And that Little Choe ain’t gonna be my military attaché no more.

Says they both fucked up big time when they agreed to let me come with them, yo. The old man says they paying the price for my incompetence.

He ask me how that feels, yo. And how it feels to be gonna lead the whole Korean people to ruin, yo. And how it feel to be as big a fuck up as my fat fuck brother Jong-Nam, yo.

I say I’s just glad we not gonna have to watch pornos together again. That was hella creepy last time.

This joint for my nigga Little Choe, yo. I sure hope you like digging coal or being a laboratory experiment or whatever else they be got you doin’. Even though you gone we still a team…