Archive for September, 2010

Finally the J-Unit be getting his props, yo.

All around the world the Choson Nigga Number 1, the 4 Star Muthafucking G be on the front page of newspapers and websites and shit.

Everyone be like, “yo, who this nigga styling in the black like Darth Vader, yo?”

But some muthafuckas gotta be hating, yo.

Some muthafuckas gotta be spreading lies and shit about the Brilliant Comrade, yo.

Like that chump ass round eye faggit Evan Ramstad from the Wall Street Journal.

Nigga be saying the J-Unit all “chubby cheeked”. Check it:

Chubby-cheeked and unsmiling, the younger Kim wears a dark suit that looks similar to his father’s well-known khaki track suit.

LOL, amiright? Chump ass faggit don’t even know I’s rocking tha FUBU Fat Albert brand business apparel.

And chubby-cheeked? Get real, nigga. I had a Snickers in my mouth when they took my picture, yo. Even some skinny ass wirey mutafucka – like my nigga Snoop – even Snoop be looking all chubby-cheeked and shit you snap that nigga when he got a Snickers in his mouth, yo.

Fuck these dumbass round eyes.

I mean, do I talk shit about Ramstad? Saying he a dumbass round eyes and bald and wearing glasses and shit?

He look like my science teacher from back when I was in Switzerland, yo. Except that nigga had better fashion sense, you feel me?

But is the 4 Star G talking shit about Ramstad?

That nigga be hating but I got one love for all the Round Eyes, yo.

Cycle of hatred not gonna get a nigga nowhere. Just ask my dead ass nigga 2Pac about that, yo.

– K to tha J to tha muthafucking U checking out.

Yo, it’s the 4 Star G y’all!

I got big love and mad props to send out to all my niggaz appointed and reappointed to the Central Committee of the Korean Workers Party:

Kim Jong Il, Kang Nung Su, Kang Tong Yun, Kang Sok Ju, Kang Phyo Yong, Kang Yang Mo, Ko Pyong Hyon, Kim Kuk Thae, Kim Kyong Hui, Kim Kyong Ok, Kim Ki Nam, Kim Ki Ryong, Kim Rak Hui, Kim Myong Guk, Kim Pyong Ryul, Kim Pyong Ho, Kim Song Dok, Kim Song Chol, Kim Jong Gak, Kim Jong Suk, Kim Jong Im, Kim Chang Sop, Kim Chol Man, Kim Chun Sam, Kim Thae Bong, Kim Phyong Hae, Kim Hyong Ryong, Kim Hyong Sik, Kim Hi Thaek, Kim Yang Gon, Kim Yong Nam, Kim Yong Chun, Kim Yong Il, Kim Yong Chol, Kim Yong Jin, Kim In Sik, Kim Won Hong, Kwak Pom Gi, Ryang Man Gil, Ryo Chun Sok, Ro Tu Chol, Ro Pae Gwon, Ryu Yong Sop, Ri Ryong Nam, Ri Man Gon, Ri Myong Su, Ri Mu Yong, Ri Pyong Sam, Ri Pyong Chol, Ri Pong Dok, Ri Pong Juk, Ri Thae Nam, Ri Hyong Gun, Ri Hi Hon, Ri Yong Gil, Ri Yong Su, Ri Yong Ho, Ri Yong Mu, Ri Yong Hwan, Ri Yong Chol, Ri Ul Sol, Rim Kyong Man, Mun Kyong Dok, Pak Kwang Chol, Pak To Chun, Pak Myong Chol, Pak Su Gil, Pak Sung Won, Pak Jong Sun, Pak Jong Gun, Pak Jae Gyong, Pak Thae Dok, Pak Ui Chun, Pyon Yong Rip, Pyon In Son, Paek Se Bong, Song Ja Rip, Jang Pyong Gyu, Jang Song Thaek, Jang Chol, Jon Kil Su, Jon Ryong Guk, Jon Pyong Ho, Jon Jin Su, Jon Chang Bok, Jon Ha Chol, Jon Hui Jong, Jong Myong Do, Jong Ho Gyun, Jong In Guk, Jo Kyong Chol, Jo Myong Rok, Jo Pyong Ju, Ju Kyu Chang, Ju Sang Song, Ju Yong Sik, Cha Sung Su, Chae Hui Jong, Choe Kyong Song, Choe Ryong Hae, Choe Pu Il, Choe Sang Ryo, Choe Thae Bok, Choe Hui Jong, Choe Yong Dok, Choe Yong Rim, Thae Jong Su, Han Kwang Bok, Han Tong Gun, Hyon Chol Hae, Hyon Yong Chol, Hong Sok Hyong, Hong In Bom, An Jong Su, Yang Tong Hun, Yang Hyong Sop, O Kuk Ryol, O Kum Chol, O Su Yong, O Il Jong, U Tong Chuk, Yun Tong Hyon and Yun Jong Rin.

Except for you, Kwak Pom Gi. Fuck you, you chump ass punk. I saw you cut me off last month in the carpark outside the basketball stadium before the game between April 25 and the Navy in that piece of shit rusted ass Hafei minivan you drive. Fuck you man, you can suck my dick.

Big ups to my alt niggaz, the alternative members of the CC:

Kang Ki Sop, Kang Kwan Ju, Kang Kwan Il, Kang Min Chol, Kang Hyong Bong, Ko Su Il, Kim Kyok Sik, Kim Kye Gwan, Kim Tong Un, Kim Tong Il, Kim Tong I, Kim Tong Il, Kim Myong Sik, Kim Pyong Hun, Kim Pong Ryong, Kim Chang Myong, Kim Chon Ho, Kim Chung Gol, Kim Thae Mun, Kim Hui Yong, Kim Yong Suk, Kim Yong Jae, Kim Yong Ho, Kim Yong Gwang, Kim U Ho, Kwon Hyok Bong, No Kwang Chol, Tong Jong Ho, Tong Yong Il, Ryom In Yun, Ro Kyong Jun, Ro Song Sil, Ryu Kyong, Ri Kuk Jun, Ri Ki Su, Ri Myong Gil, Ri Min Chol, Ri Sang Gun, Ri Song Gwon, Ri Su Yong, Ri Jong Sik, Ri Jae Il, Ri Je Son, Ri Chan Hwa, Ri Chang Han, Ri Chol, Ri Chun Il, Ri Thae Sop, Ri Thae Chol, Ri Hong Sop, Ri Hi Su, Ri Yong Ju, Ri Yong Ho, Ri Il Nam, Pak Ri Sun, Pak Pong Ju, Pak Chang Bom, Paek Kye Ryong, Paek Ryong Chon, So Tong Myong, Son Chong Nam, Song Kwang Chol, Sin Sung Hun, Jang Myong Hak, Jang Yong Gol, Jang Ho Chan, Jon Kyong Son, Jon Kwang Rok, Jon Song Ung, Jon Chang Rim, Jong Myong Hak, Jong Pong Phil, Jong Pong Gun, Jong Un Hak, Jo Song Hwan, Jo Jae Yong, Jo Yong Chol, Ji Jae Ryong, Cha Kyong Il, Cha Jin Sun, Cha Yong Myong, Choe Ki Ryong, Choe Kwan Jun, Choe Tae Il, Choe Pong Ho, Choe Chan Gon, Choe Chun Sik, Choe Hyon, Choe Yong Do, Choe Yong, Thae Hyong Chol, Han Chang Nam, Han Chang Sun, Han Hung Phyo, Ho Song Gil, Hyon Sang Ju, Hong Kwang Sun, Hong So Hon, Hong Sung Mu, Hwang Pyong So, Hwang Sun Hui, Hwang Hak Won, An Tong Chun, Yang In Guk and O Chol San

Except for Jon Song Ung, Ryom In Yung and Song Kwang Chol. What you ever done for the Brilliant Comrade, yo? You ain’t done shit for me you freeloading pussyass faggits. Hong So Hon, he my nigga, I know I can count on him, yo. I got mad love for my bro Jang Myong Hak. But I see you ignoring me in the lunch canteen. I see you whispering shit to eachother when I walk past. Fuck y’all haters I got plenty of friends. Fuck all y’all.

Nas and tha Junior Gong Comin’ atcha. This joint be for you Cha Jin Sun, I know you lovin’ on Nas.

– One Love, niggaz.

Yo, yo, yo. Check it out.

I’m a General now, yo.

You jealous, bitches?

Ha ha ha. Fuck all y’all haters because the J-Unit be the hardassest muthafucka up in this muthafucka. You feel me?

You don’t wanna mess with this, nigga. For real. I’ll fuck you up so bad, maaaaaan.

Anyway, this Extraordinary Meeting of the Party is getting underway. It’s just as boring as you’d expect, yo. All these speeches just go on and on and on and on. It’s hard not to fall asleep, yo. Especially since me and Major Choe is so totally blunted. We’ve been smoking so much of that sandnigga chronic that we be swapping that nuclear thingamyjig for that we’re almost out, yo. Choe’s going back down to Macao to meet with these hairy ass punks after the meeting is over.

Choe says we gotta ration this shit if we’re gonna get through this boring ass muthafucking meeting. We got some equithesin caps off of Choe’s buddy Cougar and I think we can huff that shit during the really boring speeches by all the really senior army peanuts.

Feels good to be a General but fuck me I’m bored.

Any fine ass bitches wanna drop by, I’ll be in seat RF89 for the next few days.

– General Choson Nigga Number 1 Cheking Out.

So the Old Man got out of the hospital last night. Today they’re calling all the delegates back today so we can start the meeting tomorrow.

Gonna be cash, yo.

It’s Jong-Un’s time now, nigga. Y’all better get out of the way.

I don’t think they’re gonna have time to let me spit my rhymes and drop my J-Science, but there be time for that later, yo.

My right-hand nigga Major Choe is pretty nervous. He’s hitting the chronic pretty early. He said he’s got a weird feeling that something bad’s gonna happen. I told him that pussy talk and he need to harden the fuck up, yo.

Nothing is gonna go wrong. It’s the J-Unit’s time, yo.

Lemme get something straight with y’all before I explain the latest ruckus, yo.

I am a reasoable nigga, you dig?

For real. Ask any muthafucka around here. “Jong-Un? Yeah, he a resonable nigga” they all be saying. Some be saying that I’s too reasonable. “You the Morningstar General, yo! Yo wanna be everyone’s friend and we all love you and shit. Yo, we should be fearing you more.”

Did I ever smack a bitch ‘cept if she was asking for it, yo? No I did not. Did I ever step to a muthafucka ‘cept if he be disresptful to me or the Party or the Eternal & Indivisible Motherland, yo? No I did not. Did I ever glock a nigga ‘cept if he be fucking with the peaceful reunification of the motherland or getting all up in my shit that he don’t got no business getting all up in, yo? No I did not.

Then why every goddamn muthafucking chef up in this goddamn muthafucking country be fucking up my scotch eggs every morning, yo?

I’m trying not to lose my head here, yo, but these fucking chefs be getting me so fucking mad that sometimes I think I just wanna explode.

It ain’t like these muthafucking chefs been kidnapped and forced to cook for us or nuttin’. We stopped doing that shit back in the early ’80s. Old skool. They all being paid and shit. They be the best fucking chefs the won can buy, yo. It be an honour to come and cook for the Old Man and his family, yo.

So why they fuck up the breadcrumbs all the fucking time?

If I told these chump ass bitches once, I told them a thousand times, yo. Make the breadcrumbs on the fuckign scotch eggs just like the breadcrumbs on the fucking KFC chicken nuggets.

I even had Choe arrange to have a bucket of fucking nuggets brought down from the KFC in Dandong for these faggits to study so they could get it right. But did they get it right? No they did not.

For real. Choe say that sending all of them to work in the coal mines isn’t gonna help them make better bread crumbs. Maybe he be right. There’s only one way to find out though.

– Tha K to tha J to tha Muthafucking U checking out, yo.

Don’t get me wrong, y’all.

The J-Unit loves getting visitors, yo.

I got mad respect for the diplomatic professionals, too.

But for real. To the delegates from the Communist Party of Great Britain (Marxist-Leninist) who be visiting us, this is my message:

Fuck all y’all cheap ass Round Eye lily white muthafuckas.

For real. Major Choe and me be working on this Chuseok weekend to greet these niggas, yo. Part of my ascendancy to the throne of this here Gangstas Workers Paradise. What a waste of time.

First of all. Why y’all so old, yo? I dig Round Eyes bitches, but you all just a bunch of old men.

Second of all. We all know the Korean Workers Party be the shizzle, yo. We all know the Old Man be the vanguard of the international proletariat, yo. We all know the DPRK struggle be the struggle of every freedom-loving muthafucka in the world, yo. We all know the North Korean path be the British path, yo. So why you gotta keep ragging on about it, yo?

Save the fucking speeches for someone who gives a shit, amiright?

Worst of all. When you bring gifts, bring a nigga something he actually want, yo. Like the new Flo Rida joint. Or a copy of Zoo magazine with those big titted British bitches in it.

What you bring me? A signed copy of Billy Bragg’s new CD.

I be like, who the fuck this nigga, yo?

And they be like, “the voice of the labouring masses of the British People (Marxist-Leninist)”.

Nigga, wot?

If this be the voice of the British people, I’m glad I can’t understand nothing the nigga be saying.

So you be all like, what else they bring J-Unit?

That’s just it, yo.

Nothing.

For real. They come all this way to give props to the KWP and the Old Man and the J-Unit and they don’t come with nothing but some shit CD.

So my nigga Woo-Sung who writes for the Central News Agency be saying to me afterwards when we be smoking up to calm down, “how I gonna write this, yo?”

So I say, “well, we can’t go insulting their lily white asses. That not be diplomatic. Just say they gave us a gift, but don’t write about how shit it was. Say I gave it to the Old Man or whatever.”

So that what he wrote here.

If this is diplomacy, yo, I think it’s a good thing we be the Hermit Kingdom, you feel me.

Worst Chuseok Ever, Yo

Posted: 2010EPMR +0000September UTC18PM J+0000418 in bitches, Chuseok, DPRK, joints, Kim Il-Sung, Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un, North Korea

The J-Unit pissed off, yo.

This be the worst Chuseok ever, yo.

Last year me and Captain Cha – he be doing Major Choe’s job before Major Choe be doing it – we went to Japan. We was fucking Filipinos at the Toyoko Inn in Hamamatsu, yo.

This year I didn’t go nowhere, yo.

Well. That ain’t true. I had to go off to give mad props to gramps, Kim Il-Sung. He my nigga and all, don’t get me wrong, but I’d rather be fucking Filipino hoes that honouring the ancestors, know what I mean?

The Old Man came too. He didn’t say much too me. He’s still mad about how I put him in the hospital and shit.

He was like, “this is how you repay me?”

And I be like, “yo, I said I’s sorry, yo.”

Man. He gonna be pissed for a while, I think. I was like, “cut a nigga some slack, yo. It was mostly Choe’s fault, anyway.” But he didn’t say anything.

Still, we got KFC for dinner so that’s something.

Here be some Snoop and Dre for y’all.

Mad love to all my Choson Niggaz on Chuseok, yo!